


The Manly Art of Aerobics

by IvvyMoon (blue_jack)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, M/M, NaruSasu - Freeform, This work has been discontinued, Unfinished
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 09:36:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3285479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_jack/pseuds/IvvyMoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“How do you even know he’s gay?” he asked acerbically.</p><p>She stared blankly at him.</p><p>He replayed the conversation in his head. Oh. Yes. Aerobics instructor. </p><p>“Point taken.”</p><p> </p><p>This work has been <b>discontinued</b>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this was one of my most popular fics, but it was never completed. I'm just putting it here for anyone who wants to read it, but I have no intention of updating it.

"Sasuke!” Sakura Haruno barged into his office, completely ignoring his poor assistant who was sputtering behind her.

He waved Karin away, knowing that once Sakura got something in her head, it was nearly impossible to sway her. Having been friends with her since grade school, he recognized a lost cause when he saw it. 

He sighed and took off his reading glasses, grateful for the break from reviewing the weighty business contract, which was heavy enough to be a lethal weapon. Not that he would ever admit it to her. Being a corporate lawyer had several perks – including his salary – but the constant reading nearly gave him a brain aneurysm on the best days. 

“Good afternoon, Sakura,” he said dryly. “What can I do for you today? Please don’t hesitate to ask anything from me. You know that catering to your every whim is my first prior—” 

She sat down in the leather seat across from him, her features amused and composed. “Well, I would love an espresso. Can you have that ugly secretary of yours get me one?”

Sasuke shook his head. Why Sakura and Karin didn’t get along, he didn’t know, but it had been hate from first sight.

“Are you sure you want to risk it?” he asked, a smirk playing across his lips.

“That hag would totally spit in it or something, wouldn’t she?” Sakura pouted.

Sasuke found himself shaking his head. He realized he did that a lot when Sakura was around, like a reanimated bobble head. 

“Sakura, what—”

“Sasuke! You totally have to go to my gym with me right now!”

He stared at her for 2.7 seconds. “Goodbye,” he said, reaching for his glasses and putting them back on: Break time was obviously over.

She grinned and leaned forward, unaffected by his abruptness. “There’s this totally hot aerobics instructor that you have to see!”

He looked at her, the contract in midair. “Are you delusional?”

She giggled. “You will die when you see him. Completely die. I tell you—”

“All the more reason for me to stay here then,” he interrupted. Damn it, there was a mistake on page 137 in paragraph three of Clause Seven, Section B. He circled it heavily in red ink.

“—blond hair, blue eyes, muscles that won’t quit, the tightest rear end I’ve ever seen—“

“What is your point? There are lots of attractive men out there. Why would I lower myself to date a gym something or other—“

“Aerobics instructor,” she corrected.

“—when I could do so much better?”

She rolled her eyes at his superciliousness. 

“That is exactly my point, Sasuke! You keep holding out for Mr. Perfect or something! When was the last time you got laid?”

Too long.

“None of your business,” he said, glaring at her over the top of his contract. 

“The last time you got a blow job?”

Way too long.

“Saku—“

“Hell, even a hand job!”

That morning, as a matter of fact, though it had been his hand. But that was beside the point. 

“Sakura!”

She grinned at him. “All I’m saying is that you should come check him out. What could it hurt? At the very worst, you go, you ogle, you come back and have some fodder for some ‘alone time.’” 

He didn’t even bother to acknowledge that remark, even while withholding the urge to eye her suspiciously. What did she know?

“At the best, you guys could hook up, have amazing sex and then you would be a little more relaxed! I mean, seriously, Sasuke, you look like you’re about to go crazy with stress.”

“How do you even know he’s gay?” he asked acerbically.

She stared blankly at him.

He replayed the conversation in his head. Oh. Yes. Aerobics instructor. 

“Point taken.”

She grinned at him triumphantly.

“I don’t need—“

“They also make really great drinks and smoothies. I had their tomato juice – freshly made on premises – and it was _wonderful_ ,” she groaned.

He eyed her, wondering if she were planning to have an orgasm in his office.

“Okay, fine,” she huffed in her normal voice, sitting back in her chair and folding her arms. “But it’s still really good tomato juice. Besides,” she said, leaning forward once again, “I bet you skipped lunch today. On top of the tomato juice, they also have an organic deli with ultra-healthy, delicious food.” 

She sounded like a walking ad for the place. 

“And the gym is right around the corner. You could be back in fifteen minutes tops. Come on, Sasuke! Fifteen minutes,” she wheedled, blinking at him with wide, soulful eyes.

He was hungry…

“Fine,” he said, putting the contract down and taking off his glasses. The pulsing headache behind his left eye was returning, and he’d only been reading for about five minutes. He could afford a small break.

“Fifteen minutes. But I’m only going for the tomato juice and to get something to eat.”

“And the view,” she said, laughing merrily now that she’d gotten her way. “If nothing else, you can definitely appreciate the view!” 

\----------

Sasuke could _not_ appreciate the view. At all.

Mostly because there was a crowd of women blocking the door, all apparently there for the same reason. 

“Good afternoon, ladies! Oops, and gentlemen,” a pleasant tenor voice called out from inside the room, slightly amplified by a microphone. 

Sakura beamed. “Don’t worry, Sasuke,” she said, mildly patting the hand that wasn’t holding his takeout cup of tomato juice. “The class before this one objected to being stared at by all the people waiting to get a glimpse of Naruto, so they put these screens up for them. But they’re going to raise them in a sec, and then you can see him.”

He scowled at her. He wasn’t curious – even a tiny bit! – but he had to admit, the guy apparently attracted quite the crowd. 

“I don’t know what you’re referring to,” he said coolly. “It’s not my fault this room is on the way to the entrance. Let’s go. I got my lunch, and now I need to go back.”

“But you have to at least stay for one more minute!” she objected. 

“Sakura, I already told you—“

“See? It’s opening!”

Sure enough, the large shades that had covered the glass windows were slowly drawn up, revealing the previously concealed room. 

The first thing Sasuke noticed was just how full the class was. There had to be fifty women – and three men – in there. 

As if reading his thoughts, Sakura said, “There’s a waiting list for his class. He just started working a few weeks ago, but the class is filled up for at least another five months.”

The second thing Sasuke noticed was the horrible, loud, booming music that suddenly emanated from the room. Some hip-hop song that cared more about beat than lyrics, or the health of his ear drums.

And the third thing he noticed was— 

Well, Sasuke didn’t actually notice anything else, because after Sasuke saw _him_ for the first time, it was impossible to see anything but him.

Sakura hadn’t done him justice. 

He was absolutely gorgeous. Honey-colored skin, golden hair, a body that was most assuredly the object of lust for every person in that room – staying in shape was the last thing on any of their minds. There were no words to describe the instantaneous impact he had on Sasuke.

Sasuke was an extremely attractive man. In addition, he was wealthy and successful. He’d dated his share of handsome men, and the only reason that he hadn’t had sex in a while was because he’d been bored and annoyed by the gay dating scene.

The man who was standing at the front of the aerobics classroom blew them all away. Like Michelangelo’s David, this man was simply stunning.

Maybe – maybe – if Sasuke had turned away in time, he would’ve been able to walk out of the gym with a feeling of vague regret and hazy might-have-beens, but then the guy smiled. 

He smiled, and Sasuke nearly dropped his cup. 

His reverie was interrupted by a person near him.

“Oh damn, he’s _hot_! I have to get into his class.”

Apparently he wasn’t the only one there getting his first glimpse of the aerobics instructor.

“Why is everyone looking at him like that?” he hissed at Sakura.

“What?” she said, her eyes sparkling with mirth. “You mean like he’s something completely edible? You mean…like you’re looking at him?”

He snarled. 

“Don’t compare me to those man-hungry, drooling cretins,” he said, ignoring the looks the nearby “cretins” were shooting in his direction. 

Sakura giggled, her hands going up to cover her mouth, tears nearly falling from her eyes. “Oh-oh my gosh, Sasuke!” she gasped. “You’ve totally fallen under his spell, too!”

His eyebrow twitched.

“I have yet to meet a woman or man – well, gay man – who hasn’t wanted to have his babies within seconds of seeing him.”

One part of Sasuke objected to the idea of having the guy’s babies. 

The other part thought the whole trying-to-get-pregnant process would be more than worth it.

“So what?” he frowned at her. “This was some kind of sophomoric test?”

“No,” she grinned. “But it worked anyway. It actually makes me feel better about you.” She gave him a friendly smack on the back. “Welcome to the human race, Sasuke.” 

“Che.”

For a while, the two of them watched as the guy started to lead his class in stretches. Luckily, the door had closed, so Sasuke could watch the proceedings with only the faintest trace of bad music in the background.

Ooh, that was a nice pose.

“Want to meet him?” Sakura asked slyly.

Once again, Sasuke felt divided. One part of him wanted to turn his nose up at Sakura and show her that he could walk out of there with his pride intact. 

The other part wanted to jump her and demand she introduce him immediately. 

“Yyyyyyeeeessssss…” he said at last when it became obvious that she wasn’t planning to make another move until he responded. It didn’t hurt that the aerobics instructor had chosen the moment before to bend over and touch the ground with the flat of his palms in a feat of flexibility that had Sasuke breathing a little faster.

“Too bad,” she sighed, looking way too amused as she pouted sympathetically at him. “At the end of each class, he walks out that side door and doesn’t reappear until the next class.”

Then _why_ was she asking him if he wanted an introduction?

She laughed, long immune to the power of his glare. 

Well, mostly.

She took a small step back at the intensity of his gaze. 

“Look,” she said, holding her hands up protectively. “I’m not saying it’s _impossible_ to meet him, just that I can’t introduce you. The only people he ever seems to talk to are the other staff members and the people in his class. You just have to figure out a way to get into one of his classes.”

Sasuke actually paled. 

_Him_? Do _aerobics_? With all that hopping and weird wanna-be dance moves and stepping on little platforms only to step back down?

In a complete 180 from his previous conclusion, Sasuke decided the guy was cute, but he wasn’t _that_ cute—

The person in question chose that precise moment to slide up next to woman and put his hand on her thighs, pressing her lower into a squatting position.

“He’s touching her. Why is he touching her? Why is she letting him touch her? Why is he _touching_ her?”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Sakura said, her eyes rounding. “Calm down, Sasuke. My goodness. Um, how to say this. You’re a wee bit…psychotic right now.” 

He turned narrowed eyes in her direction.

She managed to keep from smiling. Barely.

“Look, Naruto does that occasionally, okay? He’ll touch someone’s arm or leg or whatever and get them into the right position.”

The part of him that he was starting to think of as Sane Sasuke, who managed to think with something above his belt, thought, _Naruto, so that was his name_. 

The part that he was starting to refer to as Stupid Sasuke, who was pondering frighteningly non-Uchiha thoughts and couldn’t seem to think with anything except his dick, thought, _What did she mean by ‘whatever’? And if Naruto is going to be touching ‘whatever,’ then the whatever he should be touching should be_ my _whatever._

“Earth to Sasuke. Earth to Sasuke. Come in, Sasuke.”

He glared at her. He hadn’t zoned out. He hadn’t. 

“Look,” she said reasonably. “If you get into his class, not only will he talk to you, he’ll probably end up touching you eventually, too.”

No wonder he was thinking of the second part of himself as Stupid Sasuke. It had the same thoughts as Sakura. 

“I. Don’t. Do. Aerobics,” he said coolly. 

She shrugged. “Okay, well, don’t say that I didn’t try to help.”

They watched in appreciative silence, both of their heads turning to follow Naruto as he bounced from one side of the room to the other and back with an excessive amount of energy that his class sluggishly tried to emulate.

Sane Sasuke pointed out that it had been a lot longer than fifteen minutes since he’d left the office, and he still hadn’t finished going over the contract. Also, he had that meeting with Mrs. Anderson at four o’clock.

Stupid Sasuke told Sane Sasuke to shove it if he didn’t want to get his ass kicked and— Oh, holy fuck. Look, look, LOOK! He’s taking off his shirt!!!!!

All Sasukes were in agreement. This was _way_ better than meeting Mrs. Anderson.

In a movement that slowed down to a frame-by-frame shot that Sasuke would think about constantly in the days to come, Naruto slipped his shirt off his body in one long, languorous motion, revealing toned, taut flesh inch by torturous inch. 

Sasuke wondered briefly why his hand was wet.

Then the shirt was gone, and Naruto was shaking his head, letting all of that glorious gold hair fly.

Sasuke was grateful Sakura was nearby for once. If he really was having a heart attack, as one of the preeminent surgeons in the city, she’d be able to save him. Stupid Sasuke was wondering if maybe Naruto would notice and have to resuscitate him.

And then Naruto turned in order to throw his shirt in the corner.

Sane Sasuke noticed how all the people in his class gaped and sighed and drooled at the flex of lean muscles, scoffing at their obviousness and stupidity.

Stupid Sasuke was worried he was going to come in his pants.

And then thought became impossible, because Naruto s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d, displaying all his gorgeous physique as he raised his arms in the air, holding them together above his head, his neck arched back. With the light shining on him, it was incredibly easy to see the way the shorts rode low on his hips, the way the muscles bunched and clenched in his chest and arms, the way his body glistened with sweat, the way each panting breath made his chest rise and fall, the way—

When had the class started up again? He could've sworn he'd been watching Naruto's every move, but one minute, he was in voyeuristic heaven, and the next, a line of women doing some sort of side walk and clap thingy were blocking his view.

He shook his head to clear it, only just realizing that his pants seemed to be clinging to him with unnatural obstinacy. He looked down.

For a minute, when Sasuke realized his clothes were wet, he actually thought he _had_ come in pants. Then he realized it wasn’t just his pants, and he looked down to see himself covered in tomato juice. Apparently, he had squeezed his cup so hard that it had exploded on him.

Sakura was gasping, unable to breathe from laughing so hard.

“Shut up,” he muttered, shaking his arms to get some of the excess juice off, which wasn’t really helping. He grabbed a few napkins out of the bag with his sandwich and started blotting.

“He-he does that,” she snorted, “every day. I di-didn’t want to warn you, be-because I w-wanted to see your r-rea—” She trailed off in a fit of giggles, unable to continue.

Sane Sasuke was wondering if he should buy a bottle of seltzer water, or if he should give it up as a lost cause. Stupid Sasuke was yelling at the stupid women to get out of the way. Naruto was half-naked, and they kept on blocking the window! Normal Sasuke was considering whether or not a judge would accept a temporary insanity plea for attacking Sakura. 

What? He was good at multi-tasking.

“Be grateful I have other things on my mind right now,” Sasuke hissed at Sakura. 

She desperately pursed her lips, trying to control herself.

He cursed, giving up on the napkins, and tossed them into the nearest trashcan. At least he had a change of clothes at the office. 

With one last look into the glass – stupid fat women getting in his way, he thought, ignoring the fact that all the women were actually amazingly fit and suspiciously attractive for what was supposed to be a class for getting in shape – he stalked over to the receptionist desk, Sakura trailing behind him, a snicker still escaping her lips every few steps. 

Sane Sasuke couldn’t believe he was doing this and was almost gibbering in terror at the thought of doing aerobics. Wouldn’t it be easier to find out Naruto’s personal information and stalk him at home or something? Even if it could get him slapped with a restraining order, it had to be better than publically humiliating himself like this. What would the other lawyers say? What would his _family_ say?

Stupid Sasuke was shouting over and over again, “He strips _every_ day! Do it! Do it!”

Sasuke slapped his hand on the counter, causing the receptionist who’d been virtually sleeping to lazily open his eyes.

“Yeah?” the guy – Shikamaru was on his nametag – said.

“I want to be in Naruto’s class,” Sasuke growled. 

Sane Sasuke moaned and whimpered, curling up into the fetal position.

Stupid Sasuke cheered.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. “Sorry,” he said in a bored tone of voice. It was obvious he’d gone through the same spiel a few times already that day. “All of Naruto’s classes are full. If you would like to be put on a waiting list, I can—”

“I will pay you five hundred dollars to get me into his class.” 

Shikamaru blinked. Sakura guffawed, guiltily clapping her hands over her mouth when Sasuke narrowed his eyes at her.

“Are you a member of the club, sir?” Shikamaru asked, his eyes glinting.

“Not yet,” Sasuke replied, almost relaxing. This he was used to. Negotiating was his forte. 

Unluckily for him, Sasuke had never met someone like Shikamaru before. 

By the time Sasuke and Sakura had left, Sasuke had somehow agreed to buy a three-year membership with the gym, paying extra to have unlimited access to all the classes – even though Sasuke never planned on spinning in his life – a parking space – even though Sasuke always used the subway – and paid Shikamaru seven hundred dollars under the table to enter Naruto’s morning class.

Sakura had someone managed to convince Shikamaru they were a package deal, and she was in the class, too. 

_She_ hadn’t had to pay anything extra.

“This had better be worth it,” he growled as he walked away from her, the threat evident in his tone. 

Sane Sasuke couldn’t believe he’d spent over two thousand dollars just for a chance to meet that Naruto guy. Stupid Sasuke was quiet, happily reliving “The Moment” when Naruto had taken off his shirt and eagerly awaiting the next day when he would get to start class. 

Sasuke didn’t even want to _think_ about the noises Stupid Sasuke was making. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” Sakura said, smiling brilliantly. “I’d say it’s already been worth it to me.” 

She ducked, Sasuke’s lunch just barely missing her. 

Great. He hadn’t even gotten to eat. 

He took small comfort in the fact that the next day couldn’t possibly be as bad or as humiliating as this one had been.

Other than the fact that he’d be starting his new aerobics class.

Sane Sasuke groaned.

Stupid Sasuke, seemingly already in aerobics mode, jumped for joy.


	2. Chapter 2

What the _hell_ was he supposed to wear to an aerobics class? 

Sasuke had never joined a gym before because the law firm had a fully-equipped private fitness room in the building. Other than the class he’d seen yesterday afternoon, he’d never witnessed an aerobics session.

He stared at his clothes, unable to imagine any of it being appropriate. Suits weren’t normally conducive to lots of stretching and bending over.

Bending over…

Once again, the image of Naruto bending over and touching the floor with the flat of his hands flashed through his head.

Damn Stupid Sasuke and his continuous instant replays!

 _Wear something loose and concealing so no one recognizes us,_ Sane Sasuke suggested. The image of sweat pants and a hoodie flashed through his mind, the hood covering his face.

 _We can’t wear that!_ Stupid Sasuke exclaimed. _How will we get Naruto’s attention if we wear that? We should wear something like_ this _instead._

Sasuke banished the image of him in lycra with a furious growl.

“We are _not_ wearing some sort of bodysuit!”

Sane Sasuke shuddered in unremitting horror at the thought.

Damn it. He wasn't getting anywhere like this. What had Naruto worn?

Once again, the image of honey-colored skin and taut muscles began to play in his head.

“Will you stop it?” he hissed at Stupid Sasuke. “That’s not helping!”

Stupid Sasuke folded his arms and pouted. 

He tried yet again to conjure the memory of what Naruto had been wearing, but his mind came up blank. To his complete embarrassment, he found he couldn’t remember. At all. All he could recall was bright, golden hair, a laughing, handsome face and miles and miles of toned, tanned skin, muscles flexing as he moved. 

Shit. How could he not remember?

Although, admittedly, clothes had been the last thing on his mind. But still. 

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. He still had to figure what he was going to wear. Sane Sasuke was being stubbornly quiet, so that just left Stupid Sasuke.

He couldn’t believe he was going to ask this, but…

“Che. Fine. Go ahead and replay the scene again.”

An icy silence.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. How was he having an argument with himself – and losing?

“You could help, you know!” he muttered to Sane Sasuke.

Sane Sasuke looked away, sniffing disdainfully. Like he was going to help them go to the _aerobics_ class!

Sasuke clenched his teeth when it became apparent Stupid Sasuke was refusing to budge. 

“Please,” he gritted out.

Stupid Sasuke eyed him suspiciously before nodding his head once in majestic absolution. And then, just like that, the image of Naruto stripping his shirt off started playing once again.

Shirt! Shirt! He’d been wearing a stupid T-shirt with the gym’s logo of all things! Although it had been a rather skin-hugging T-shirt, he would give him that. And shorts! Ha! Even Sasuke had a T-shirt and a pair of shorts!

Sasuke was in such a good mood from the relief of knowing he had appropriate clothing that he didn’t even complain when Stupid Sasuke viewed the scene another two times. In slow motion. 

It was a good show after all.

He even caught Sane Sasuke sneaking a peak.

He did, however, object when Stupid Sasuke started humping Naruto mid-disrobing. 

He sighed as Sane Sasuke hn’ed and pulled Stupid Sasuke away. 

He rummaged in his dresser and pulled out a pair of loose shorts, black, and a shirt, black with a thick red stripe down the left side. He paused as he got ready to stuff them into his workout bag, Stupid Sasuke’s comment echoing in his head. 

_How will we get Naruto’s attention if we wear that?_

_Would_ Naruto notice him in this outfit?

Flushing slightly, grateful no one except the two interlopers in his head were around, he changed into the outfit he planned to wear the next day. He felt like a teenage girl getting ready for her first date. 

Why had he been worried? The shirt clung just enough that it hinted at the muscles underneath, and his forearms and calves gave testimony to his fit state. He looked good: No doubt about it. 

Sane Sasuke groaned, unable to believe they were actually going to go through with it.

Stupid Sasuke grumbled. _I still think we should wear something a little more revealing,_ he objected. _At least a tank top or something._

A tank top… That wasn’t necessarily a bad idea. With all the women showing off their cleavage, and the couple of guys in the class, it wouldn’t hurt to show off just a little more skin. Not too much, obviously, but a little.

He pulled out a V-neck tank top that was black in front and red in back and nodded absently. That would work.

 _Don’t do it,_ Sane Sasuke whimpered, starting to pull at his hair. _People are going to see us! For pity’s sake, the damn gym is almost right next to the office! There could be other lawyers there! What if_ Itachi _goes there?_

Sasuke faltered. That was a good point. It wasn’t like he hid his sexuality, but he didn’t go flamboyantly proclaiming to the world his orientation either. And while his family knew he was gay, his father wouldn’t necessarily appreciate his younger son bringing undo attention to himself at the family firm.

And what if Itachi _did_ go there? How could he possibly explain the situation to him? Would he ever live the humiliation down?

Buoyed up by his previous tank top success and not paying attention to their conversation, Stupid Sasuke blurted out, _And on the bottom, we should wear a thong!_

All other thoughts came to a screeching halt.

 _Are you out of your_ mind _!_ Sane Sasuke shouted.

“A _thong_? We’re not going to wear a _thong_! I said we wanted to show a little skin, not all of it!”

 _But Naruto would really notice if we—_ Stupid Sasuke said defensively.

 _Of course he would notice! Who_ wouldn’t _notice? And I’m sure the_ police _will really enjoy the view as they drag us off for public indecency!_ Sane Sasuke burst out.

_But—_

“Enough!” Sasuke exclaimed, his voice filled with finality. “We are _not_ wearing a thong. End of discussion.”

Stupid Sasuke stomped off in a petulant fit.

 _I still think we should wear sweats,_ Sane Sasuke said stubbornly. 

“That’s enough from you, too,” Sasuke said severely. 

Sane Sasuke hmphed.

It was in blissful silence that Sasuke finally got ready for bed. He was letting Sane Sasuke's worries get to him. Itachi was just as unlikely to go to the gym as he was. Besides, he was sure that straight men did aerobics. Like one. Or two. But enough that he was worrying needlessly. Now being an aerobics instructor definitely equated to being gay, but attending the class didn't necessarily mean the same thing. 

He ignored the sound Sane Sasuke made.

It was only as he started to drift off to sleep that he realized that he’d been having a full conversation with the two idiots in his head, talking to them out loud, discussing clothing choices and acknowledging them as basically separate people. 

Which was almost a good thing since he hated thinking that Stupid Sasuke was actually a part of his personality. 

His eyes snapped open.

Maybe he should go see the family psychiatrist?

Orochimaru’s face flashed in his head, and he shuddered. 

Then again, maybe not.

That was one couch he definitely did _not_ want to lie on.

But he should definitely stop talking to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Especially out loud. He rubbed his forehead and sighed. He didn’t want to scare Naruto off before he’d even had a chance to talk to him. 

\--------- 

Sasuke dispassionately looked at Sakura's beaming face and then dropped his eyes to the camera in her hands. 

An instant later, it was gone. 

"You'll get it back when class is finished," he said dryly, when she started to object. He tilted his head and looked her over.

He grabbed the disposable camera hidden in her towel and her camera phone, ignoring her cursing and twisting about to try to get out of his reach. 

He took his spoils back to his locker before coming back out to glare at her.

"If I so much as see _one_ picture of me – even if my face is hidden, even if you weren't the one to take the picture – I'm going to make your life a living hell," he swore.

She pouted.

"Sasuke," she began.

"No."

"But Sas—"

"No."

"Damn it, Sasuke—"

"No."

"You're totally taking all the fun out of this, you know," she complained.

He looked at her contemplatively. She was taking this entirely too well.

"Do you remember back in college when you streaked at Primal Scream?" he asked.

"Psht. Yeah, so what? Everyone did it."

"But do you remember the first time you did it? When you got separated from the main crowd and accidently ran past the Dean and his guests while they were coming out of a building and ended up splattering them with snow when you tripped and fell? Not to mention how you knocked him over and fell on top of him, flashing not only him but the visiting Nobel Prize-winning professor? And how it was in the school newspaper the next day under the title ‘The Dean Gets Creamed During Primal Scream’—"

"What does that have to do with anything?" she sputtered, her cheeks blazing red.

"Did I ever tell you I have pictures of that?" he asked, tapping his finger on his chin. "The only reason he didn't recognize you was because you were wearing a ski hat and a scarf to cover your lower face. But in one of the pictures, the scarf had fallen down." He smiled evilly. "Your families still get together for Christmas, I believe?"

She paled, almost swaying on her feet. "Y-you wouldn't!" she gasped.

"Let's just say that it is in your best interest to make sure I remain incognito, otherwise ‘Uncle Rudy’ is in for the shock of his life."

"But-but-but-but Sasuke! This is a momentous event! History in the making! You _have_ to have at least—"

"Hn."

" _Sasuke_ ," she whined, her features tormented.

"Just one picture," he repeated.

"Fine," she snapped, digging into her sports bra and taking out an extremely slim camera phone. "Fine!"

How had she managed to put that _there_? He supposed there were instances when small breasts came in handy – although he would never say that out loud to Sakura. 

He smirked at her expression. Payback was a bitch.

"I hate you," she muttered.

Just then, the side door opened, and the man they'd all been waiting for entered.

There should've been a theme song. No matter how much Sasuke would've denied it, it was like the entire room became brighter. Hearts floated in the air, flowers sprung from the ground, spotlights tracked Naruto's progress to the front of the room. 

Stupid Sasuke agreed and started bobbing his head. _Bow shikka bow bow—_

 _Not '70s porn music!_ Sasuke snapped. _And didn’t I tell you to shut up?_ Sasuke had made it clear to both of his hitchhikers that morning that he didn’t want any more comments from The Peanut Gallery while he was in class. So far, they’d been good, but of course Stupid Sasuke would be the first to crack.

"Good morning, everyone! Thanks for making it out so early in the morning, even with such crappy weather!"

The whole class sighed as Naruto smiled happily. 

Sasuke scoffed at them, until he noticed Sakura was snickering and realized he'd sighed as well.

Why was she _here_? Damn Shikamaru to hell!

"And we have two new people with us today! Why don't you two come up to the front so we can get to know you better?"

The rest of the class turned around to watch them. 

Shit! He had purposefully chosen a spot at the back to minimize attention! He'd planned on approaching Naruto at the end of the class, but until then, he'd intended to maintain as low of a profile as possible. 

It had been exceptionally easy to get a spot in the back. Apparently, the positions in front were extremely coveted, and there had almost been a cat fight between two women who had tried to claim the same spot. 

He'd shaken his head at the lengths they were willing to go to in order to be close to Naruto. Idiots.

How was he going to get out this? He didn't want to be in the front!

He glared at Sakura's back as she bounced forward. Traitor.

With sluggish steps, he followed.

Naruto was charming two women into giving up their places. Their angry expressions quickly melted as he flirted with them.

A muscle in Sasuke’s eye started to twitch as he witnessed the scene, his steps getting just the tiniest bit faster. He ignored the outraged grumbling in his head and told himself that he really wasn’t jealous of two airheads with more silicone in their bodies than brains. Really.

But then Naruto turned the full force of his smile on him, and it was all he could do to not throw Naruto down right then and there. Thankfully, he had too much pride and self-control to give into the urge. 

But it was tempting.

"It was really weird how Lori and Michelle had to leave the class like that, but I'm glad you two were able to join so quickly!"

Sasuke had paid to keep Shikamaru's silent about how he had gotten into the class, so he just gave a small smile and shrugged nonchalantly. 

"Yeah, strange that," Sakura said, grinning cheekily. She waved. "I'm Sakura, and this is Sasuke. We're so happy to be in your class!"

"Nice to meet you, Sakura! Sasuke! And is this your first time doing aerobics?"

"It's not my first time, but Sasuke's never done it before." 

They beamed at each other, temporarily blinding everyone in the room.

"Well, then I'll try to make sure he gets a good workout so he'll come back! I love it when couples join the class together!"

Sasuke's eyes widened. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! They weren't together! He opened his mouth to correct him. 

"Well, let's start the class!"

Naruto bounded over to his spot. 

Sasuke's jaw closed with an audible _click_. He turned his head slowly. The look he gave Sakura spoke of pain and dismemberment and death. Not necessarily in that order.

"Now, now, Sasuke," she said, backing up a few steps. "How was I supposed to know he was going to assume—"

Loud music blared, drowning out the rest of her words.

“Let’s start with stretches!”

Sakura flinched at the look Sasuke gave her, promising retribution later, before he turned his attention back to the lust of his life.

What? He didn’t believe in love at first sight.

Ten minutes later, the stretches were finished, and Sasuke’s throat was dry, his heart rate was elevated and his breathing was fast. None of it, however, had anything to do with the exercise. 

Naruto was even more perfect up close. Large, long-lashed cerulean eyes; plump, pink lips; a straight, narrow nose; a strong, chiseled chin; fine, blond hair, streaked with gold, ocher, white and even red; honey-hued skin that begged him to discover if the taste matched the color; muscles that flexed and rolled with each movement of his body. 

Even the scars on his face, three parallel, diagonal lines on both cheeks, just added to his appeal rather than detracted from it. Sasuke could just imagine tracing those scars with his tongue, his naked body pressed close to Naruto’s, the other man’s breath brushing against his neck.

He swallowed. Why hadn't he worn more constrictive shorts? He was going to have a problem by the end of class at the rate he was going. 

It didn't help that he couldn’t stop counting the seconds until Naruto stripped off his shirt again. 

It took all his control not to abandon his façade of disinterest and simply stare at Naruto like a starving man at a buffet. It was a wonder he wasn’t salivating.

And Naruto kept looking at him! 

Okay, sure, a lot of that was because he was standing directly in front of the other man, and every time Naruto scanned the room his gaze had to sweep by Sasuke first; but that was beside the point. Naruto kept looking at him, and every time he made contact with those clear, fathomless blue eyes, it sent tingles down to his cock.

“Great job, everyone! Let’s move on to some basic stepping.” 

Twenty minutes later, Sasuke was silently cursing. He could not believe how difficult it was to do these stupid aerobics moves. What the hell? 

Up, down, up, over, turn, side to side, up, turn, down, squat, squat, up, down—

Fuck it. Why was he putting himself through this torture again? It wasn’t even that the exercise was challenging him all that much. As far as workouts went, it didn’t compare to his weekly ten-mile run. But the moves! 

It was like some choreographed dance where he was the only who didn’t know the steps by heart. Even Sakura was having an easier time of it, which was just humiliating because he’d always picked things up faster than her in the past. 

And judging by the occasional snicker that flitted in his ear, she was enjoying the reversal of their roles.

He added each sound to the growing pile of things for which he had to exact revenge. Top of the list, right after Sakura implying the two of them were together to Naruto, was how she'd guffawed and almost fallen to the ground when he'd winced and hopped around painfully after pinching his balls during one particular turning move. She'd had to step out of the classroom to get her breath back. 

The bitch.

The only good thing had been that she’d been the only one to notice. If Naruto had seen that embarrassing mishap, Sakura wouldn’t have made it out of the classroom alive, and he would’ve had a lot of witnesses to get rid of.

Another problem he hadn’t thought about when he’d first agreed to her hare-brained scheme was that all the women who weren’t looking at Naruto were looking at him! 

Gay, people! He was gay! Did he need to wear a sign or something? Their lustful looks were making his skin crawl. It was disgusting how they were using him in some sort of private sex fantasy. 

Speaking of which, where was Naruto? He was roaming the class, making sure the cretins were keeping up, so he couldn’t even see him anymore!

“You’re doing great, Sasuke, for your first time,” Naruto whispered huskily in his ear, coming out of nowhere and nearly making him jump. “But when you squat down, you need to go just a little bit lower. Let me help you.”

Then just as he’d witnessed the day before, strong, tan hands were gliding down his thighs, urging him down farther and farther, a hot, heaving chest pressed against his back, Naruto’s breath tickling the fine hairs on his neck. 

Oh. 

Shit. 

Sasuke’s eyes got wide. He suddenly leaned forward, hunching over himself. 

“S-Sasuke?” Naruto asked in puzzlement.

“Cramp,” Sasuke muttered, ignoring the blow to his pride in favor of keeping a semblance of modesty. Why the _hell_ hadn’t he worn something more constrictive?

“Aw, dude, let me help you—” Naruto started to put his arm around him, and Sasuke flinched away. Bad idea. _That_ would definitely not help the problem either! It would just make it worse.

“No,” he gasped. “I’ll just sit against the wall until it goes away. Don’t let me interrupt the class.” 

From the corner of his eye, he could see Sakura bent double from laughing so hard. His eyes narrowed. He was going to kill her.

“Oh, well, okay, if you’re sure—”

He waved Naruto away while nearly scuttling over to the wall and sitting down quickly. Damn being in the front of the class!

 _What? What are you doing? Get back there right now! He was basically humping us!_ Stupid Sasuke exclaimed, jerked out of his reverie as Sasuke moved away. Stupid Sasuke pulled his hand out of his shorts in order to point back at Naruto.

 _Don’t you have a shred of decency? We’re in public!_ Sasuke hissed at him, secretly envious that Stupid Sasuke could do what he wanted to do himself. He brought his knees up, trying to hide his condition. _And once again, shut up! Can’t I have some privacy in my own head?_

 _I don’t care! Naruto!_ Stupid Sasuke wailed.

 _Will you two be quiet!_ Sane Sasuke exclaimed. _You completely ruined the moment for me!_ He took his hand out of his sweatpants.

Sasuke looked from one to the other. Damn it! Why was he the only one who couldn’t— 

And then, just like the day before, time slowed down as Naruto began to take off his shirt.

Fuck! He pulled his knees closer to his body. Why hadn’t he realized he was going to have this problem? He’d been so concerned with what he was going to wear to the class that he’d completely neglected thinking about what to wear underneath what he was going to wear!

 _I told you we should wear a thong,_ Stupid Sasuke grumbled.

_That wouldn’t help this problem!_

Truth be told, he hadn’t really thought of aerobics as a valid exercise. He’d actually been surprised that while the workout wasn’t draining him, it was making him sweat a little. He’d assumed nothing he would do in class would require any real exertion on his part. 

But he’d completely forgotten the strip tease portion of the class, however. 

It was heaven. It was hell. It was nearly orgasm-inducing.

Where was a cup of tomato juice to relieve some pressure when he needed one?

Naruto was so fucking close! Sasuke just had to get up and walk over five steps, and he would touch him.

It was like his vision had become hyper acute. He could see individual drops of sweat beading against the light caramel skin, see each separate strand of hair on Naruto’s head, see each ripple of muscle as Naruto shed his shirt, see—

Sasuke eyes got wide.

See Naruto getting closer and closer!

Shit!

He drew his knees up even higher, although by this point, his legs were virtually flattened against his body. 

“You feeling better, man?” Naruto dropped down so he was squatting in front of Sasuke.

Sasuke’s eyes dilated. 

Sane Sasuke was shouting. _Look up, look up! Stop staring at his crotch!_ Although he kept getting distracted by Stupid Sasuke’s elbow in his face as he tried to wrestle him down and cover his mouth. _Don’t you dare stop staring at his—_

“Is your cramp still bothering you? You’ve been sitting here for a while. Do you want me to rub it out for you? I’ve got experience in…”

But Sasuke couldn’t hear him anymore, couldn’t hear anything but a vague buzzing noise. 

The words echoed in his head, selectively modified.

 _Do you want me to rub_ it _for you?_

Oh fucking hell yes.


	3. Chapter 3

_Sasuke? Sasuke?_

He could hear his name but didn't understand why anyone would be in his room, calling him.

_Sasuke!?_

He felt like telling whoever it was to shut the hell up, but it was oddly difficult to open his mouth.

Something was off.

"Sasuke! Sasuke! Wake up! Are you okay?"

He blinked groggily, the hazy image in front of him gradually morphing into Sakura’s concerned features.

"Oh, thank goodness! He's awake!" she yelled over her shoulder, before looking at him again, resting a cool hand against his forehead.

"What—?" He batted at her hand and realized he was lying down. "What are you doing?" he demanded, scowling at her and propping himself up onto his elbows. Looking around, he realized he wasn't actually in his bedroom. It looked like he was in someone's office instead, lying on a truly horrendous green couch. He shifted gingerly, trying to avoid touching the garish fabric as much as possible. "And why am I here?"

"Don't you remember?" she asked, ignoring his attempts to get her to move away, as she grabbed his hand and forcefully held it while using her other hand to test his temperature yet again.

Stupid Sakura and her freakish strength. No one looking at her would know that the petite 5' 4" woman possessed the strength of fifty men. He still remembered how the head coach of their university football team had begged her, nearly in tears, to join the team after seeing her play intramurals and how she'd refused him, saying she was premed and didn't want to injure her surgeon's hands.

That, and she was afraid of breaking a nail.

"If I remembered," he replied acerbically, "then I wouldn't need to ask, would I?" He tugged at his hand. 

She scrunched up her nose at him. "Well, you don't feel hot, and you're not clammy. But you were out for almost a minute. I should probably take you to the hospital to get you checked out—"

"Will you please refrain from touching me and tell me what is going on?" he demanded, finally managing to wrench his hand away.

"You fainted," she said, huffing in annoyance. "In class. In front of everyone. You should really be resting." She pushed him flat on his back with enough power that a muffled _oomph_ escaped him. 

"You're bedside manner leaves much to be desired," he said, refusing to rub his chest where she'd tried to crush him and glaring at her with narrowed eyes. "And what do you mean I passed out? That's impossible." His eyes widened as her words finally registered. "And what do you mean in class?"

She rolled her eyes and sat back in her chair, folding her arms. "You're obviously fine. I don't know why I even worry about—"

"What do you mean in class?" he hissed. He couldn't have— She couldn't really mean— There was no way he could've—

"I don't know what happened! One second you were talking to Naruto, and the next, poof! You fell over! You're lucky Naruto was there, 'cause he picked you up and carried you here. Otherwise we would've had to leave you on the ground."

He’d been talking to Naruto? He didn’t remember talking to—

Fuck. Yes he did.

He’d been sitting against the wall trying to hide his erection when Naruto had come over and—

Oh, this was very bad.

“Did you eat a good breakfast? Have you been sleeping well? Is work getting to be—”

“Stop nagging me. I thought you agreed I was fine.”

“Sasuke, it’s not normal for a healthy, 26-year-old man to faint from a little physical activity!”

His lip curled at the word “faint.” That was the second time she had said it.

“Furthermore, if we can’t isolate the reason why you fainted, then I would suggest taking you to the hospital and running a battery of tests—”

“That’s completely unnecessary.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “You know why you fainted, don’t you?”

Did he ever.

“Will you please refrain from continuing to use the word ’faint’ in regards to my period of unconsciousness due to overexertion?”

“ _Overexertion_? Sasuke, I’ve seen you run a marathon before, and you’re telling me that a little bit of step aerobics was too much for you?”

He glared at her. Life would be so much easier if people would just do what he told them to damn well do. “There were extenuating circumstances.” He briefly pondered the nature of said circumstances. “I…had a small case of food poisoning yesterday. I thought all the queasiness had faded, but apparently not. I’m fine now. No need to worry.”

She squinted at him intently for a long moment, and then sniffed haughtily. “Fine. Have it your way.”

His shoulders nearly slumped in relief. He just couldn’t explain to Sakura what had caused him to pass out. She would probably suffocate from laughing too hard, and he really didn’t need any additional humiliation.

Speaking of things that humiliated him, it was amazingly peaceful and quiet in his head. He wondered why that was.

Ahhh….

Stupid Sasuke and Sane Sasuke were still passed out. Apparently it took longer for them to recover from passing out than it did him.

He would have to remember that for future reference.

“Hey.”

Both Sakura and Sasuke turned their heads to look at the intruder.

It really was unfair that someone like Naruto existed in the world. Fortunately – or unfortunately, as the case may be – his shirt was back on, but the clothes did nothing to dampen his attractiveness. As a matter of fact, it just served to get Sasuke thinking how much fun it would be to take the offending garment back off.

Sasuke would have been completely horrified if he’d seen the slightly dazed look on his face. Luckily for him, there weren’t any mirrors in the room.

Unluckily, there was Sakura.

“Are you going to faint again? You look completely shell-shocked all of the sudden—” 

“ _Leave_!” he hissed. He narrowed his eyes when she grinned unrepentantly at him as she left. She had said that on purpose to embarrass him! Why that sadistic, conniving—

“Are you alright?”

—absolutely gorgeous, breathtaking, man. It should be illegal to be that handsome. Every time he looked at Naruto, it was like getting hit in the head with a hammer. It was like his mind just couldn’t wrap itself around how incredibly beautiful he was and kept trying to dim the memory of his face for Sasuke’s own self-preservation. Each time he saw him was like the first time. All that delicious looking honeyed skin, that—

“—suke?”

He blinked as a tan hand waved in front of his face. He could barely contain the blush as concerned and puzzled blue – blue was too tame of a word! They were like sapphires, cerulean pools of—

“Sasuke?”

“I’m fine,” he said automatically. He wrenched his eyes away and stared at the wall just to the right of Naruto’s perfectly formed ear. It was completely mortifying, but he actually couldn't look him in the eyes. It was too much. Just being this close to him was overpowering. His breathing had sped up, it was difficult to focus and he was worried he was going to get an erection if Naruto didn’t step back…

Just like before.

_“Do you want me to rub it for you?”_

_It was like a dream come true. All he had to do was reach out and touch him. Or better yet, spread his legs and let Naruto reach out and touch_ him _. Which by what Naruto had just said would be something he was more than willing to do._

Will you snap out of it! He didn't say that! _Sane Sasuke argued from his place on the ground, his words slightly muffled by the way Stupid Sasuke was trying to grind his face into the floor. Stupid Sasuke was surprisingly good at fighting._ What he actually said—

Yes he did! He obviously wants you to jump him and take him in front of the whole class! Assert your ownership so all those stupid cows stop staring at him!

_Who to believe? Sane Sasuke or Stupid Sasuke. Sane Sasuke was...well sane. But Stupid Sasuke's idea sounded so much more appealing._

_It was a quandary._

_"Naruto?"_

_Sasuke almost tore his gaze away from the golden perfection that was in front of him to glare daggers at the woman who was daring to interrupt, but that would have been a waste of staring time, so he committed her voice to memory instead, resolving to find and eliminate her after class._

_"Oh, yeah, sorry about that Cary . One sec, Sasuke."_

_And then..._ it _had happened. Naruto's legs – which had been spread apart for balance as he crouched down – had started to close, making his shorts loosen around his legs so that when Naruto had started to turn, his knee pointing towards Sasuke as he got ready to stand, Sasuke had seen..._

_Heaven._

_Thick and heavy against his thigh, the circumcised tip round and incredibly delicious looking, Naruto's penis was as beautiful as the man himself. Sasuke would've sworn at the time that it sparkled, it was so amazing._

Although...looking back, that might have been the fault of the onrushing unconsciousness.

Probably caused by the absolute shock and lack of breathing on his part.

Hmm...

He would have to get another look at it to be certain. He wondered if he could get Naruto to—

"You're really zoning out still. I am _so_ sorry."

Sasuke's attention snapped back to the man in front of him, looking at him so earnestly.

"Huh?"

Shit. Naruto was starting to affect his language skills as well.

"Y-you should've just told me what you were doing! I had no idea, otherwise, I swear, dude, I would never have gotten in your space like that."

"What?"

Sasuke wondered idly if he could take that as an improvement.

"And I totally get you fainting—" There was that word again! "—'cause that had to have been a shock, seeing my dick in your face like that. Fuck! I'm so embarrassed."

Not only did Naruto not have a reason to be embarrassed – at all, Sasuke thought rather dreamily – but he had enjoyed the experience. 

Tremendously.

He would've told Naruto that – at least the first part anyway – but Naruto was going full steam ahead, determined to get out his unnecessary apology. Which was actually alright with Sasuke since it gave him an opportunity to stare without having to talk and worry about what other amazing witticisms would spew from his mouth.

"—was running out the door this morning, and I forgot to grab my undershorts—"

Sasuke didn't know why, but even though he was extremely grateful Naruto had forgotten his normal workout attire – extremely, _extremely_ grateful – the image of Naruto in spandex was making his ears burn and things below his belt twitch.

He sighed internally as Sane and Stupid Sasuke started to stir as well. And it had been so peaceful, too.

"—I swear I normally wear 'em to keep the boys safe, 'cause stepping is dangerous without them, let me tell you—"

He refused to flush. Or wince in memory. Or give any indication whatsoever that he could understand that remark at all.

"—and I was only trying to help out! I just wanted to check up on you, but I didn't understand until after I noticed the boner in your shorts when I picked you up—"

Damn it, Naruto had seen his _erection_?

...

He wondered what he had thought?

"—I'm just so used to all the guys in the class being gay!"

He took offense to that. Just because a guy was in the class didn't mean he was gay.

Sasuke was. But that was beside the point.

"It finally hit me that you were faking so you could stare at all the, uh, you know…”

At you. Yes. 

Naruto glanced furtively at the door through which Sakura had retreated and leaned forward conspiratorially. 

Sasuke’s brain suffered a minor hemorrhage at the proximity.

“…stare at all the happy jugs bouncing around!” 

Wait. What?

"Wha—"

"I mean, why else would you be sitting in the front of the class, checking out the room like that?" Naruto whispered with glee, as if pleased with himself for figuring it out on his own.

It was all Sasuke could do to not hit him for that idiotic comment. Really? There could be no other reason that Sasuke would brave the horror of an almost all-female aerobics class and look around the room when the instructor – the incredibly gorgeous instructor – was hiding? 

Alright. It was true he didn't want anyone to assume he was gay. But that didn't include Naruto!

He was so pretty! 

But not very bright. 

It should've soured the attraction for Sasuke a little, because he only dated intelligent men, men who would be able to converse with him on all manner of subjects, ranging from politics to philosophy to literature.

It didn't.

Naruto was just so—

Sane Sasuke shook his head to clear it and asked groggily, _What did he say about gay men?_

"—and don't worry, I won't say anything to Sakura. A guy can't help looking, no matter how sexy the girlfriend is at home, right? It's the best part of the job really."

Sasuke inwardly fumed. He still couldn't believe Sakura had made them come off as a couple! He should take the opportunity to clarify the situation now while he had the chance. He was _not_ straight, had never _been_ straight, and would be more than happy to show how _bendy_ he could be.

As long as Naruto was willing to help out.

"Na—"

"I wish my last girlfriend had been as hot as Sakura. And smart, too! Man, you sure are lucky—"

It took a second for the statement to settle in. And when it did, Sasuke's eyes got huge. He wanted to respond, wanted desperately to ask if he'd misheard, if Naruto had actually meant " _boyfriend_ " or even sexy, cross-dressing boy _toy_ , but Stupid Sasuke chose that moment to finally shake off the last dredges of his confusion, announcing his return to consciousness with a yell worthy of a claxon and completely drowning out the rest of Naruto's words.

 _What did he say? What did you do?_ he wailed at Sasuke, his hands grabbing chunks of his hair in horror. _I was only out for a minute and somehow you made him_ straight _?_

"Anyway, so I just wanted to apologize. I can just guess what a shock it had to have been for you to be thinking about the ladies one minute and seeing my dick hanging outta my shorts the next. Not surprised you keeled over. And the look on your face! I hope it won't make you stop coming to class. Us guys gotta stick together, right?"

As in, we _straight_ guys. 

Sasuke felt like he might pass out. Again.

_I told you we should've worn a thong!_


	4. Chapter 4

Life just wasn’t worth living anymore. 

Sasuke tossed back another glass of whiskey, grimacing at the stupid, maudlin thought but unable to dredge up any resistance to the depression that had driven him to the bar as soon as he could realistically leave work. He didn't even remember getting through the day although it was obvious he had somehow made it without publicly breaking down. 

It didn’t help that Stupid Sasuke was wailing in the background, alternately spewing curses at him and weeping into his hands. Sane Sasuke had completely disappeared. He had only spoken once right after Sasuke had left the office after mumbling some sort of response to Naruto.

_You made me do aerobics, and he isn't even gay?_

The sheer rage in the words had been slightly intimidating, calling up images of blood-bathed walls and a little boy talking to his finger.* 

Thankfully, the alcohol was making everything blissfully numb, and he flipped them both off before waving at the bartender for another.

Naruto was—

He was—

He really was—

He couldn’t even say it. It was just too gruesome to be spoken out loud. Or thought of. Or referenced. Or even obliquely alluded to.

He eyed his glass. Just how many drinks had he had?

He hadn't even told Sakura the news, brushing off her questions as they left the gym. He hadn't wanted her sympathy, no matter how sincere she would've been. Eventually. After her initial giggling had worn off and she realized he was being serious. 

And truthfully, part of him had wondered if once she found out Naruto was straight, she would try to pursue him herself. Their friendship had survived many years together, high school, college, boyfriends and…other boyfriends, stressful jobs and interfering family members. But he didn't know it would survive Sakura dating one stunning and unattainable blond.

“Sasuke! What are you doing here at this hour? Shouldn’t you be at work?”

Oh no. 

_Can't we mourn the loss of our future husband in peace?_

He had never wanted to smack Stupid Sasuke as much as he did right then. It was all Stupid Sasuke's fault, him with his stupid thoughts and stupid hopes and stupid suggestions and stupid, er, thoughts and—

The other man settled onto the barstool next to him, annoyingly close and cheerful, smiling as if it were the best thing in the world that they'd run into each other.

“What are you doing here, Kakashi?” he asked, not really interested but wanting to delay the inevitable question as to why _he_ was there. He took a fortifying drink.

His cousin Obito had been best friends with Kakashi since elementary school, and when the two of them had ended up moving in together after college, no one had been particularly surprised. Of course, things had changed when they had come out to Sasuke's aunt and uncle who had been purposefully oblivious to the nature of their relationship until it had been thrown up in their faces, and the resulting arguments had nearly caused a rift in the family. Eventually everything had settled down.

At least they had until Kakashi had decided to open a porn shop in the city.

But that was another matter. Suffice to say that Obito spent a lot of time smoothing things over with his parents about his choice of lover.

When Sasuke had been younger and first realized where his sexual inclinations lay, namely pointing towards the rainbow, he'd actually been grateful to have his older cousin and his friend around, discreetly watching them when the opportunity arose to see what a normal homosexual relationship was like and how it worked. He'd even, grudgingly, confided in the two of them – assuming you called being found with one of his college classmates in the living room when he'd thought no one was going to be home voluntarily admitting to anything.

Obito had been understanding and had tried to back out of the room, blushing and trying to hide his smile. Kakashi had asked if he could take pictures. He'd promised the both of them a cut of the profits and their name in lights. It had taken five pillows, the remote control and a glass vase being thrown at him before he had allowed himself to be pulled from the room by his beet red boyfriend.

"Would you like the truth, or shall I make up a convoluted story about a dog crossing the street, a car accident, an injured driver, a traffic jam, me rushing him to the hospital, a handsome doctor, a locked supply closet, a lost pizza delivery guy—"

"Sakura."

"How'd you guess?" Kakashi beamed at him happily.

He was going to need more alcohol.

"How'd you know whar-where to find me?" That had not technically been him slurring his words. He was just tired. It had been a long and depressing day after all.

"Well, I guess Sakura called you at the office, but your assistant said you'd already left, and since you never leave work that early and you'd been acting weird this morning, she called me because she has a surgery scheduled and 'I run a damn porn shop and spend most of my day reading and watching the merchandise, so I can get my perverted ass over to this side of town and check up on you!' End quote." Kakashi's visible eye crinkled in amusement. "Besides, Obito likes the food from this one Italian restaurant over here, so..."

"I see," Sasuke said dryly. "What I actually meant, however," he said, taking a deep breath in order to clear his head, "was how did you know I was going to be at this bar in particular?"

Kakashi raised his eyebrow. "Sasuke, you make it sound like you ever go to any other bar when you want to drink. You, my friend, are sadly predictable."

"I am not!" he said, his brows furrowing in outrage.

 _Oh, please_ , Stupid Sasuke muttered, rolling his eyes as he moved forward and abandoned his weeping for sarcasm. _You'd only be more predictable if you had Days of the Week Underwear._

"So you don't work out every morning before going into work, leave late every night, drive home, order delivery – typically Chinese on Monday, Italian on Tuesday, Japanese on Wednesday and some sort of American Bistro thing on Thursday – and go to bed by midnight? Or leave Friday and Saturday night open for your boyfriend of the week whom you kick out after sex? Although those have been sparse in the past few months. And you don't—"

"You know nothing about me." It was Japanese on Monday and Chinese on Wednesday. 

"Okay," Kakashi said agreeably. The asshole.

"Anyway, this is a break from your normal routine, so something must be bothering you. Go on. Tell your cousin, Kakashi. I'll kiss it and make it all better!"

"First, you are not my cousin. Or even my cousin-in-law. Ash a matter of fact, never claim any sort of famil- er, famil- never say you're related to me ever again. Second, that's dissssgusting. I'm going to need another drink to wipe that image from my head. Third, why would I ever confide anything – assuming I even had a problem! – to you?"

"Well," Kakashi drawled, "if you don't tell me, then I'll have to tell Obito that you're having problems."

Sasuke blanched.

"If you do tell me, then I can tell Obito that you _were_ having problems, but we managed to work them out, and you're feeling much better now."

Sasuke wanted nothing more then to punch the shit-eating grin off his face. 

Faces? Kakashi didn't have two faces... Oh, that was better. Just one now.

Normally, Sasuke wouldn't let himself be blackmailed. But Obito on the rampage was not something to be scoffed at. He would literally take time off of work, bring ice cream and other cloyingly sweet goodies, chick flicks (assuming Kakashi didn't manage to switch them out for porn), soft blankets, tissues, candles, bath salts, soft jazz CDs, stuffed animals made for hugging and anything else he deemed necessary and camp out at his apartment – literally sitting on Sasuke if he felt it were necessary to keep him from running away – until Sasuke had spilled every dark and dirty secret and cried. Twice.

"Fine. Fine! There's...this guy..."

By the end of the story, Kakashi had tears in his eyes. 

"My little Sasuke is all grown up! Paying someone to get into an aerobics class – and kicking out the rightful spot holders in the process – to pant after a man. Or more specifically, to get in a man's pants... I'm so proud of you!"

"Stop. I already feel nauseous." Sasuke did not have good luck with high amounts of alcohol. He got drunk quickly and went through the whole pleasantly sloshed part of the experience amazingly fast, hurrying to the hangover portion and staying there until well into the next day no matter how much water he had drunk or how many aspirins he had taken. Every time he got drunk, he told himself if would be the last time. It just wasn't worth the misery.

Of course, he'd needed the mind-numbing effects of too much liquor in order to try to forget about the day, so he'd made an exception. However, had he known what drunkenness did to Stupid Sasuke, he would've gone home, drained every last bottle of alcohol in his apartment and hidden under the covers. 

Long bored by the retelling of events he already knew – especially since Sasuke was leaving out the good parts like the debate about the thong and the description of Naruto's iridescent penis – Stupid Sasuke staggered about, finally displaying symptoms from the large amount of whiskey Sasuke had imbibed, even though Sasuke himself was virtually sober by now. _I'm so hoooooooooorny!_

Sasuke's eyes got wide. 

_Fuck, he's hot!_

Sasuke twitched and swallowed convulsively. He’d just thrown up in his mouth. "Hot" and "Kakashi" did not belong in the same sentence. Ever.

_Do you think he'd have sex with us since he knows our hearts have been broken?_

Sasuke eyes were wild, and he desperately tried to not look at Kakashi in case the other man could somehow see Stupid Sasuke peering through his eyes at him in hopeful lust. Where was Sane Sasuke? One-on-one was a losing ratio when Stupid Sasuke was on the other side.

 _How can Naruto be straight? Why, cruel world,_ why _?_

"So who's the lucky guy?"

"Wh-wh-what, what? Huh?" Sasuke asked in a panic, thinking for a second that Kakashi was referring to himself. _Shut up!_ he hissed at Stupid Sasuke.

"I still can't believe," Kakashi said, starting to laugh, "that you joined an aerobics class. I just can't see it. I'm going to have to bring Obito."

 _It's so hot in here!_ Sasuke stared in horror as Stupid Sasuke started unbuttoning his shirt. He was so distracted that he actually told the truth to Kakashi as he replied. "I needed to get closer to him and find out more information. Haven't you ever read Sun Tzu's _The Art of War_?"

Kakashi stared at him in surprise for a whole second before starting to snicker uncontrollably. "Sasuke, only _you_ would compare pursuing a date with fighting a war! So instead—" he coughed, trying to stop the laughter. "So instead of the art of war, you were practicing the art of aerobics? The very manly," his face was turning red from holding it in, "art of aerobics?"

"I hate you," Sasuke said sullenly, his attention finally pulled from Stupid Sasuke's antics as Sane Sasuke at last appeared, grabbed Stupid Sasuke in the middle of fumbling at the buttons on his pants and dragged him away, mouthing, _You owe me_ , to Sasuke as he went.

"No, no, no, no!" Kakashi said finally calming down. "There's no need to feel embarrassed! When I think back to some of the things I went through to get Obito… Good times,” he sighed.

“Anyway, it doesn’t matter,” Sasuke said, his shoulders slumping slightly. "He's straight." He tried to throw back the last of his drink, but he realized it was empty, and he set the glass back on the bar with a loud _thunk_.

"Meh," Kakashi said, waving his hand as if the matter were of no importance. "He just said he wished his last girlfriend was smart and pretty like Sakura." Kakashi smiled evilly. "Which I'm assuming you didn't mention to Sakura."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "If you—" 

"Ha! So I was right! Calm down, calm down. He teaches an aerobics class. He has to be gay. It would just hurt Sakura in the end when he finally realized his true inclinations."

Sasuke settled back into his seat, unable to stomp the small flutter of hope at the words. It was true. A completely straight man couldn't possibly be an aerobics instructor. Right?

"Of course, he could be bi. Did you ask him?"

A long silence.

"What?"

"I said, did you ask him if he's bi?"

He stared at his empty glass which had suddenly become extremely fascinating.

"Oh, come on. As a lawyer, you know all about making assumptions! Please tell me you thought to—" 

"He was talking about his last girlfriend! What was I supposed to say? But what about your last boyfriend? Was he smart and funny?"

“Okay, okay. But you at least cleared up the confusion about you and Sakura, right? That you two aren’t dating?”

Kakashi could glean his answer from the shifting of Sasuke’s eyes.

"Sasu—" Sigh. "What's done is done. Let's not worry about it now."

Sasuke blamed it on the last vestiges of the alcohol, but he couldn't stop himself from asking in a near whisper, "Do you really think he might be bi?"

“Yes. Definitely. There’s no doubt in my mind that your guy is batting for our team. Oh, cheer up! Once all of this is resolved, you can push him against the nearest flat surface, and then all of this will just become a funny story you tell people when they ask how you met. Come on, it's late. I still have to stop by the restaurant to pick up dinner. Let's go."

Sasuke nodded and paid his tab before standing up. He was just the slightest bit unsteady, but nothing too bad. Besides, he was taking the T home, so he didn't have to worry about any lack of coordination.

"So when's the next time you see this stud muffin of yours?"

His mouth twitched in annoyance, but he refrained from saying anything negative. Kakashi was being surprisingly supportive, and he had to admit that he felt much better after talking to him.

"In two days. Naruto teaches every day, but I—"

"Wait. Naruto? What are the odds that— As in Naruto Uzumaki?"

Sasuke jerked to a stop, staring at Kakashi. Sane and Stupid Sasuke popped back, both crowding forward to hear the answer. He wasn’t even going to ask why Stupid Sasuke was naked.

"You know him?"

"You could say that. Since his father was my judo instructor as I was growing up, and Naruto came by the dojo nearly every day."

"You've known Naruto for _years_ ," Sasuke said, his voice cracking at the end, "and you've never introduced me to him?"

"Now Sasuke—"

"Is he _bi_?" He grabbed onto the front of Kakashi coat and nearly shook him. "Is he? Tell me! Tell me _now_!"

"You're making a scene—"

"If you don't tell me now, I'm going to—"

"How about this?" Kakashi asked, twisting gracefully and somehow managing to slip through Sasuke's fingers. "How about I tell you _after_ you buy dinner for me and Obito?"

"Kakash—"

"And maybe dessert. Obito loves cannolis."

Sasuke grimaced at the waggle of the other man's eyebrows.

"Kaka—"

"Oh, well if you're not interested, I can just—"

"Fine!" he gritted out. "Fine! Let's go."

"You know," Kakashi said innocently, ambling along behind Sasuke as he shoved the front door open, "Minato talked about Naruto all the time. And I spoke to him a lot at the dojo. Just off the top of my head, I can probably think of a dozen things Naruto likes and—"

"You're deliberately taking advantage of the situation."

"Yup."

"You know I hate you, right?"

"Oh yes."

"..."

"..."

Sasuke sighed. "Do I need to stop by an ATM?"

"Nah. Credit’s fine."


	5. Chapter 5

"What do you mean you don't _know_?"

Any other time, Sasuke would've been horrified by how loud and shrill his voice was, how it had cracked at the end, how people were staring at them through the window of Kakashi's porn shop – but this was not any other time.

"Now, Sasuke, calm down—"

"Don't tell me to calm down! I have just spent hours – _hours!_ – following you around as you made me purchase thousands of dollars worth of dildos, vibrators, oils, condoms and whatever the hell else you stuck in those bags, while you explained how to use them. Several times! And now you tell me that you don't even know if Naruto's bi!"

Sane Sasuke clamped his hand over Stupid Sasuke's mouth, barely preventing him from saying something that would turn Sasuke's wrath towards them. Now was not the time.

"Don't you think you might be overreacting—"

"I am going to stuff this vibrator down your throat until you choke and _die_!"

"Sasuke, I'm virtually a married man! You really shouldn't be flirting with me—"

" _Kakashi_!" he growled.

"Well, really. It's not the type of question that comes up during practice. That was a great throw, Naruto! By the way, your ass looks great in that _gi_ , and would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"

"You've done it before!" he hissed.

Kakashi smiled winsomely. "Yes, but you know I don't like using the same pickup line twice—"

They both looked down as the vibrator Sasuke had been holding shattered in his fist. Sane and Stupid Sasuke took a step back.

Kakashi coughed.

"Right. Well, it's a simple matter to find out. I'll just call Naruto's father and ask him."

Sasuke's eyebrows drew together as he frowned. "You'll do what?"

"Naruto and I lost touch over the years, but I still try and catch up with Minato at least once a month."

"You are going to ask Naruto's father if his son is gay?"

"Mmhmm."

"That's never going to work."

"Minato loves me. Trust me."

_Five minutes later._

"Interesting."

Sasuke stepped closer to where Kakashi was standing, the paper bags filled with sexual paraphernalia rustling around his feet. He'd been tempted to try to listen in on the conversation, especially when Kakashi had wiggled the phone at him, beckoning him forward with a finger, but he did have some pride left.

A bit anyway.

And besides, he knew better than to be in close quarters with Kakashi. That man left no posterior unscathed if he could help it.

He waited for him to speak, but when nothing was forthcoming after a minute, he finally burst out, "What did he say?"

"Hmm? Oh, well, after saying that Naruto was the straightest man he'd ever met, he then proceeded to tell me that I should never contact Naruto if I valued my life and that Naruto would be changing his phone number and moving within the next few days. Then he hung up on me."

Sasuke swayed where he stood. "He's-he's strai—"

"Meh. That's just Minato's fatherly instincts coming out. I was a little…wild…when I was younger. Before Obito, of course. And well, one night I went to the dojo a little tipsy…one thing led to another, and…" Kakashi's hands waved in the air.

"You _slept_ with Naruto's _father_?" He was going to be sick. Even though he knew Kakashi and Obito were in love, gruesome images of Kakashi dating Naruto's father – being his _father-in-law_ – flashed through his brain, and he nearly staggered. 

"What? Oh, no, no, no. Minato's a happily married man. He just walked in on me with two of his other students, and it took him about three months before he could look me in the eyes again. It was the only time I nearly beat him sparring coincidentally."

 _Two?_ Sasuke's thoughts momentarily derailed. 

"But that's neither here nor there. I would never have expected Minato to think I was hitting on Naruto."

"Why not?" he asked, his voice incredulous. It was impossible for Sasuke to think that anyone _wouldn't_ hit on Naruto. How could someone possibly resist? As a matter of fact, why _hadn't_ Kakashi pursued Naruto during his younger years? Kakashi had hit on everyone in his younger days. He'd confided to Sasuke once that he'd only slept with the handsome ones that could do pushups without using their hands…but that didn't stop him from flirting. 

"Admittedly I haven't seen Naruto in a while, and he was definitely growing up nicely the last time, but when I first met him," Kakashi said, smiling reminiscently, "he was short and a bit on the chubby side and loud. _Really_ loud. He was more like an annoying kid brother than anything else."

The mind boggled. He couldn't even imagine. Well, maybe the loud part. Naruto did have a voice that carried. And he was always unreasonably happy – almost a sin to Sasuke, who walked around like the living dead until he'd had his morning coffee. But short? The man was six feet tall if an inch. And chubby? 

Sasuke remembered the lean, rippling muscles as Naruto took off his shirt, the caramel skin pulling taut as his arms rose above his head, the lightest brush of blond hair dappled across his chest, the dusky nipples, the strong, lean thighs openly displayed by his shorts as he crouched down, his legs parted oh-so-invitingly, the sparkling—

Kakashi coughed lightly, laughter ringing in his throat. "Those are obviously not problems anymore."

Sasuke spent 0.67 seconds deciding he wasn't going to blush, 0.25 seconds realizing his body was displaying another reaction anyway, 0.32 seconds bending down, grabbing a bag and straightening so it covered his front, and a full minute glaring.

Kakashi’s eyes betrayed his inappropriate amusement when he finally said, "Well, Minato is obviously a dead end. I promised you information, and information you shall have! I'll just go to the aerobics class with you tomorrow morning and ask Naruto myself whether—"

"What? What? You'll what?"

Unlike Sasuke, Sane Sasuke and Stupid Sasuke hadn't stopped daydreaming about Naruto once they'd gotten started, but when they heard Kakashi, they stopped what they were doing, righted their clothes and gathered closer from the opposite ends of Sasuke's mind. _What?_ they chorused.

"It'll give me a chance to catch up with him, and Naruto won't even bat an eye when I ask him his sexual orientation. Well, not if he remembers me at all. And who could ever forget me anyway?"

"What?"

It was taking a while for Sasuke to catch up. He just couldn't seem to wrap his mind around the picture somehow of Kakashi in aerobics class with Naruto. His Naruto. 

His eyes widened as he thought of what Kakashi would do when Naruto took his shirt off.

"No! No way! I've changed my mind! I'll ask him myself. You don't have to—"

"Nonsense. I always fulfill my obligations, and I—" 

"Kakashi. I am not taking you with me to my class. For—"

"You're hurting my feelings, Sasuke. It's like you don't want to be seen with me or something."

Well, that was true to a certain extent. But mostly he didn't want Kakashi leering over Naruto and seeing if he could form _another_ threesome, this time with Naruto and Obito… _or_ telling him how much Sasuke lusted after him. Of course, if he admitted that, then nothing would stop Kakashi from going to class.

"Assuming Naruto is straight, the last thing I want to do is have him suspect that I'm talking about him, and if you suddenly showed up in class—"

"Meh. It's no big deal. His name just happened to come up in conversation while you were telling me about the new class you were taking, and of course I recognized it, and so on and so forth. He won't be suspicious at all. Naruto's a bit on the oblivious side—"

"There's no way they'll let you into the class. It's completely booked, and they don't let the watchers—"

"That's alright. I'll just stand at the door and wave to him. I'm sure he'll come over, and it'll just take a minute to ask—"

"He doesn't like talking to people!"

Kakashi's eyebrows rose.

Alright, it might not have been the best thing he could've come up with, but he was getting desperate. Kakashi was being annoyingly stubborn for a man who hated getting out of bed before 10 a.m. But he'd already dug himself a hole, so he might as well go down fighting.

"He's always walking in just in time for class to start and leaves as soon as it's over. He never stops to talk to anyone."

"That's odd. That doesn't sound like Naruto at all."

"Well, it's true," he said in near relief as it seemed Kakashi was actually having doubts. "Several women have tried to get a hold of him, but he's always—"

"Sa-su-ke," Kakashi sing-songed, tilting his head. "I'm starting to think you don't want me to talk to Naruto for you."

"I don't know what y—"

"Which would be odd considering you were so eager to know Naruto's sexuality just a minute ago…"

"Of course I still want to—"

"Which makes me think that Naruto's grown up _a lot_ since the last time I saw him."

"Kakashi—"

"And for some reason you're trying to keep him all to yourself."

"That's ridic—"

Sane Sasuke closed his eyes, shaking his head and sighing.

"Well that's good then. So you won't object to me coming by tomorrow morning with Obito to watch the class, right? Maybe invite your cousin Sai? You know how much Sai loves a good work out. And he's even single now. He broke up with his boyfriend just last week."

Stupid Sasuke's eyes blazed. _What! He is_ not _going to invite that screaming drama queen to our class—_

He'd known it was a bad idea to confide in Kakashi. But the threat of Obito's Care Bear Stare had shaken his resolve, and it had seemed so hopeful for a minute when it turned out Kakashi had met Naruto before.

_—can't even dress! He's always wearing those disgusting stomach-bearing shirts, acting as if his abs are some sort of divine gift—_

But somehow it had turned into a sex toy-buying fiasco of epic proportions.

_—hanging all over guys with that fake smile of his and shaking his ass all over the place! I hate him!_

Sasuke disliked agreeing with Stupid Sasuke. There was something inherently wrong with it. 

He stared at Kakashi a little desperately. He couldn't think of a single thing to say. It was completely unlike him. Normally, by now, he'd use his sarcastic wit to have his opponent in tears, but just the thought of Kakashi or Sai or _anyone else_ anywhere near Naruto – _his_ Naruto, his very own, extremely _pouncable_ Naruto – trying to talk to him, looking at him—

"Did I happen to mention that I received a new shipment of DVDs today?"

Sasuke's shoulders sagged in defeat. Even though Kakashi hadn't mentioned any other family members – he knew he wouldn't actually tell Itachi or his father – the threat of bringing in potential competition now that he knew Sasuke's dirty secret was very real. 

Not that _Sai_ counted as competition. It was the principle of the matter. He had actually believed Kakashi wanted him to get Naruto - there had been something in his voice that implied he had been sincere when he'd said he was worried about Sasuke earlier. Making things difficult for Sasuke in the process must have just been too good of an opportunity to pass up.

He was going to get his revenge on Kakashi if it was the last thing he ever did. Nothing and no one would stand in the way of his righteous vengeance. There wouldn't be a place he could hide where Sasuke's wrath wouldn't touch him. And when he did…

Both Sane and Stupid Sasuke chuckled malevolently, in perfect agreement with him for a change.

But until then—

"No, you didn't. Why don't we go take a look at them?"

"This way!"

\----

Sasuke shifted, waiting for the door to the aerobics room to open. Normally, he wouldn't be fidgeting like a teenager on the first date, but it was going to be the first time he saw Naruto since the whole collapsing incident, and he silently admitted to a small case of nerves. The dream that morning hadn't helped matters either, and he shivered, remembering the overwhelming feeling of being surrounded by Narutos.

And then, of course, he was still half-way worried Kakashi was going to show up anyway, even after he'd purchased half the damn store. He kept glancing around to ensure he didn't see silver tufts of hair anywhere. It had been embarrassing enough having to drag all the bags home with him – the taxi driver had stared and stared – and the only reason he hadn't thrown out all the…things he'd been blackmailed into buying had been Kakashi's parting comment.

"I'm sure Naruto is going to love using all the stuff you bought!"

Kakashi was a sadist. 

Sasuke had nearly tripped over the nearly dozen bags clutched in his hand that he'd been planning to throw into the garbage as soon as he got home. Then he'd stumbled getting into the cab, so that one of the bags fell open and a box containing a dildo and a package of anal beads came flying out – and hadn't the taxi driver's face been shocked – before he’d managed to stuff the rest of the bags into the cab and pick up his fallen articles and shove them into the nearest bag. 

It had taken every ounce of determination he'd possessed to coolly look the driver in the eye and tell him his address. His actual address. He'd thought about giving an address a few blocks away, but the thought of walking home with the logo "Icha Icha Paradise" and a long red tongue licking equally red lips blazing across the bags was too much for him. At least he could take small consolation in the fact that the taxi driver had been the first to look away. Very small. 

And then he'd spent the whole ride back to his apartment, the subsequent creeping up the back stairwell, the horribly awkward moment when he'd tried to reach for his keys with the bags rustling like crazy – barely managing to keep them from spilling – the loud cursing as his keys remained stuck – so loud as a matter of fact that he'd been sure all his neighbors would peek their heads out to find out what the commotion was – the slinking into his apartment, the hiding of the bags in his closet, his shower and the fruitless attempts to sleep thinking about Naruto and the toys. Together. Using the toys on Naruto. Naruto using the toys on him. Using some toys on Naruto while Naruto was using some other toys on him. Naruto calling him a bad, bad boy and—

"Sasuke!" 

He started, brought back to reality when he heard Sakura calling his name. At least he didn't have to worry about showing signs of his body's reaction to Naruto any more. He'd learned his lesson the last time. Now, he was wearing Anti-Naruto Binding Undershorts, or ANBU for short. He was counting on the ANBU to take care of any "issues" that might arise.

"Hey, I haven't talked to you since the last class. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," he said stiffly, refusing to remember the events from the other day. Then his eyes narrowed. "Or at least, I was fine until you called Kakashi and had him check up on me!"

Her eyes widened, and she started looking for exits. "Now, Sasuke, I was worried about you—"

"And somehow that equated to having Kakashi find me? You know what that man is like! How could you—"

"Well, I couldn't ask Itachi or your father to check up on you! And I thought it was better than calling Obito."

He shuddered, not wanting to even imagine how any of those scenarios would've played out. "Next time, just don't call anyone! I'd rather suffer in peace. If you knew the things Kakashi made me do—"

"Really?" She grinned. "What did he make you do?"

He glared.

"Oh my gosh, you're blushing! You're actually blushing! Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!" 

He was saved when one of the staff came to unlock the door. 

"Never mind! But I swear, Sakura, if you ever—"

"Oh, fine. Spoilsport." She started to file in with the rest of the class, but he grabbed her arm, ignoring the annoyed looks women were shooting them as they walked around the two of them to hurry inside.

"I don't want a repeat of the last class. Do not, I repeat, do not say anything that implies we are dating. Don't talk at all. And don't stand next to me. And don't—"

"You are just so freaking cute right now, do you know that? I just want to pinch your cheeks," she squealed. 

His eyes widened in horror as she actually started to reach up.

"Hey, lovebirds! Stop blocking the door! Save that stuff for after class!" Naruto teased, winking at them as he slipped inside. 

Sasuke stared after him before slowly turning back to look at Sakura, who should have burst into flames from the heat shooting from Sasuke's eyes. At the very least, her eardrums should've exploded from all the curse words Stupid Sasuke was yelling at her.

"Oops! Class is starting! I'll just find a spot, shall I?" Sakura blurted, tugging her arm free with her freakish strength and virtually running inside. 

Why—? How—? _FUCK!_

He trudged into class.

\----

He didn't understand how he was supposed to think coherently when Naruto took off his shirt. Didn't the man understand what he was doing to the class?

By the time Sasuke had managed to get inside, all the spots up front had been taken, and he was in the corner spot, farthest away from Naruto. 

It was good in that no one could really turn around to ogle him without being obvious, while at the same time, he could keep track of Naruto no matter where he went with the help of all the mirrors around the room. And Naruto made a point of wandering the whole room, so he'd been able to see him up close once or twice as well, although, unfortunately, there hadn't been a repeat of the whole helping-Sasuke-squat-properly incident, which had been a shame. 

It was bad in that this far back, he didn't get an up close view of Naruto disrobing, his view partially blocked as everyone moved together, stepping closer to their semi-naked instructor for a better look. Sasuke had moved away from the gaggle, angling himself instead to utilize the mirrors to their best advantage. 

Fuck. There was just no way he could successfully reason. Even Sane and Stupid Sasuke were being quiet. 

Was it just his imagination, or was Naruto taking longer than the previous two times Sasuke had been graced with seeing his chest? Sasuke swallowed, trying to wet his dry throat. His breathing, which had begun to slow down as the class rested, picked up again. Was he arching his back a tiny bit more? Was he holding the pose, with his arms stretched high above his head, caught in his white shirt longer than necessary? Even from the back of the room, it seemed that Naruto's expression as he stretched was too pleasurable to be based on a simple muscle relaxation. Sasuke swallowed again as Naruto's throat, bared with his head tilted back, contracted. He could see his eyelids fluttered, his mouth slightly open, and was that his tongue coming out to flick over deliciously succulent lips? Maybe…maybe Naruto was trying to attract someone's attention? But-but-but who would he—?

And then Naruto sighed, lowering his arms, letting his shirt fall slowly to the ground as he opened his eyes, slightly unfocused from having them closed for so long. His head turned, and his eyes – his gorgeous, soft blue eyes – focused, catching Sasuke's gaze in the mirror. There was no mistaking the way Naruto's tongue slid across the corner of his upper lip, and Sasuke shuddered, completely mesmer—

"Oh, I'm sorry! I totally didn't see you there. Are you okay?"

Sasuke shook his head, blinking at the woman who had knocked into him. He looked around wildly. Where was Naruto? They'd been looking at each other—

"You seem dazed. Hey, weren't you the guy who fainted a couple of days ago? Are you feeling alright?"

He glared at her. He hadn't fainted! Why did women keep insisting he had? And where was Naruto?

 _You are an imbecile,_ Sane Sasuke sneered. _Stop daydreaming and focus on the goal. I can't believe I am stuck in your head._

Daydreaming? He hadn't been daydreaming! He'd been—

He looked around one last time before letting his shoulders fall. Fuck. He'd been daydreaming. He didn't know if he could do this—

"Sasuke? Are you alright, man? Do you want to sit down?"

Sasuke raised his head to look into concerned cerulean eyes. His heart stuttered at the worry displayed there – for him. "I – I—"

"Here, why don't you sit down in my office again? You're really pale. Jeanne, can you take the class through the cool down? I'll be right back."

He could stop the petty jealousy that surged when Naruto's focus turned away from him. Why was he looking at someone else? Why would he want to when Sasuke was _right there_ , and he wanted Naruto so very much?

And then it was back. 

"Are you drinking enough water, Sasuke? I mean, it looks like you work out, but aerobics is really different from other stuff, so maybe the transition is bothering you?"

It was completely galling to have Naruto think he was having trouble in an aerobics class of all things. On the other hand, Naruto was walking close by, the hot line of his body occasionally pressing against Sasuke's own as he avoided students, and any amount of humiliation was worth keeping this.

 _He can tell we work out!_ Stupid Sasuke squealed. _He's been checking us out!_

Sasuke stumbled. 

"Woah!" Naruto cried, grabbing hold of his arm. 

"Sorry," Sasuke lied. "Just a little dizzy all of the sudden." Well, maybe not technically a lie. The thought of Naruto checking out his body was definitely enough to make him a little unsteady on his feet.

"Really? Damn, here, do you mind if I put my arm around your waist? I just don't want you to fall. That's hell on insurance. I mean, I know it freaks some guys out—"

"I don't mind at all!"

From the surprised look on Naruto's face, Sasuke maybe should've been a little less enthusiastic with his last statement. But then Naruto smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he slid his arm around Sasuke's waist. 

"Cool," he said simply. 

Sasuke nearly hissed in pleasure as Naruto's strong right arm slid along his waist, his hand resting just over his hip. He hardly felt Naruto sling his arm around his neck, but the firm grip Naruto kept on his forearm felt like it was branded against his skin. The whole left side of his body was pressed intimately against Naruto's right – Naruto's half naked body – and oh fuck, ANBU, we have a problem – and Sasuke literally tripped over his own feet, unable to keep his balance.

"Wha—" Obviously caught off guard, Naruto still managed to support him, holding up his weight until Sasuke could right himself. Which might have taken a little longer than strictly necessary. A little bit.

It wasn't really surprising he was having trouble keeping his facilities intact with Naruto this close. Sane and Stupid Sasuke were basically piles of goo.

"Um…another dizzy spell," Sasuke murmured, his face close to Naruto's ear since his body had swayed into him. He took smug credit for the goose bumps that littered Naruto's skin.

"N-no problem," Naruto replied, his voice a little high, before helping to straighten him out. 

He _had_ to be bisexual! Those were totally signs that he found Sasuke sexy!

Unless…they were signs of disgust instead? Sasuke's eyes widened, and he got so caught up in his thoughts that he was able to walk alongside Naruto without any further problems.

What if all of Naruto's attention was simply because he was being a thoughtful aerobics instructor and not because he wanted to get his hands all over Sasuke's body?

"Damn, I should've thought of the damsel-in-distress routine," he heard one woman whisper to her companion as they left the room. He flinched, but Naruto didn't show any signs of having heard the comment.

Damsel in distress, indeed! Why the unmitigated gall of some people to accuse him of resorting to underhanded tactics to get a man! 

Paying to get into the class didn't count. That was just the free market at work.

It wasn't until Naruto was lowering him back onto the horrid green couch that he realized he'd missed the rest of the walking together experience. Damn it! And Naruto was sitting in a chair instead of sitting next to Sasuke on the couch. Double damn it!

"You know, Sasuke," Naruto said, leaning forward and resting his arms on his knees to peer intently into his eyes, so casually half-naked and gorgeous that it was all Sasuke could do to keep his gaze up, "this is the second time something like this has happened. Maybe you should consider dropping the class, getting checked out—"

"What? No!" Sasuke exclaimed. 

Naruto blinked.

Mental note: stop with the too much enthusiasm.

"Erm, that is to say, I just started a new medication…and…it just takes a few days to get used to it. I'll be fine by next week." He tried not to wince at the lie. As a lawyer, he knew people lied all the time, and what eventually ended up happening was they forgot who they'd lied to, what they'd lied about, where they'd lied about it, etc., etc. As a result, he was always meticulously honest. Well, except for white lies like saying he was dizzy. That didn't hurt anyone, no one could prove otherwise and it didn't count. But desperate times called for desperate measure. And besides, this was still just a _small_ lie. 

"Oh, well, that makes sense," Naruto said, still blinking. But then he got a worried expression on his face. "Are you okay? Why are you taking medication?"

What an incredibly rude and intrusive question. People shouldn't ask for such personal information. Especially when he didn't have a ready answer handy. But his pique almost completely dissipated in the face of Naruto's obvious concern.

"Allergies?" He probably shouldn't have made that a question. 

"You have allergies in the middle of winter?" Naruto asked, looking puzzled. "What are you allergic to?"

Sasuke wanted to scowl. Why was Naruto asking an intelligent question now of all times? What had happened to his handsome but dumb crush? And why didn't he have an answer ready? Damn it, this is why he never lied! He completely sucked at it.

"I meant that I was allergic to my _last_ medication, so I had to switch to something new." He mentally crossed his fingers. Please don't ask anything else, please don't—

"Oh, so you've just been taking pills for a short time? So you don't have anything serious?"

Shit. "Do you mind?" he asked crossly, trying to hide behind anger. "I don't think that's any of your business."

"Ah, right." Naruto sat up, putting distance between the two of them, a fake smile plastered on his face. He laughed sheepishly, the sound hollow. "I'm sorry, I—"

Oh fuck. Those damn, stupid, annoyingly breathtaking, hurt blue eyes were just too much for him. It didn't help that Stupid Sasuke was freaking out at the way Naruto had withdrawn.

_Tell him something!_

_What the hell am I supposed to say?_

_I don't know. Tell him you have the swine flu!_

_I don't have any symptoms of the flu!_

_Well, tell him something! Anything! You hurt his feelings! How are we going to have rough office sex if you've hurt his feelings?_

_Wha—_ Sasuke's thoughts derailed. They were in Naruto's office after all. Maybe Naruto had brought him there for a reason? A reason not having to do with Sasuke's supposed dizziness. Hmm…

_Tell him you've got rickets! Or shingles! Or that you're diabetic! Hell, tell him you're pregnant, I don't care. Just say something! He's looking more and more distant!_

And it was true. The longer the silence went on, the more Naruto seemed to pull away. 

It made Sasuke panic.

"I'm diabetic."

What the _hell_? Why was he listening to Stupid Sasuke? He didn't know the first thing about diabetes! Did diabetics even take pills? Didn't they take insulin? But that was with a needle, not a pill, right? What the fuck had just come out of his mouth?

But Naruto was leaning in again, that concerned light once again in his eyes, thankfully replacing the blankness. "Ah, shit, Sasuke. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you say anything you didn't want to! I guess I was just a bit freaked out about the fainting thing, and I didn't want you to have to drop the class, but I didn't like the idea of you being sick, and I was worried it was really serious, and…Not that diabetes isn't really serious! But it's manageable…although, I'm sure it's annoying as hell to deal with…but you know all that…and I'm totally making an ass of myself, aren't I?"

"A little bit," Sasuke said dryly, but with a small smile. It always put Sasuke at ease when the person he was talking to was uncomfortable and tongue-tied. 

Naruto grinned in obvious relief. "Smart ass. Still, I'm glad that you're okay. I was worried."

It was so odd how three little words could completely disarm a person.

"You feeling better now?"

"Yes, thank you," he said, getting momentarily lost once again in the brilliance of Naruto's happiness.

 _Don't say yes, idiot!_ Sane Sasuke hissed. _He'll tell you to leave. Say no. Say no!_

"Awesome," Naruto said, clapping him on the shoulder once briefly. 

Sasuke nearly frowned at the blatant heterosexualness of the gesture. He could've used the opportunity to linger, kept his hand on his shoulder, maybe rubbed it in a comforting way. But he hadn't. At all. 

Naruto started to rise up. "Then why don't we head back—"

"By the way," Sasuke blurted out, desperate to keep Naruto in the room with him. Alone. In the office. Where they could have rough office sex. Over there on the desk. Or even against the wall. He wasn't particular. 

He wondered if Naruto liked to be on top or bottom. Personally, he preferred to top, but he was flexible in the right situation. The way Naruto bossed everyone around in class made him suspect that he liked to be in control of things, demanding and forceful. But…remembering some of the positions he'd seen Naruto in, Naruto was _also_ very flexible…in many ways…which might mean that he liked to—

"Yes?"

"What? Huh? What?" He barely controlled a flush. Naruto really was hell on his vocabulary.

“Um, you said ‘by the way’ and then you got this really weird look on your face…”

“Right.” It was a lot harder keeping the blush off his face this time. It made him jumble his words together. “IsawKakashiyesterday.”

Naruto looked puzzled. “You…saw…Kashi yesterday?” he asked, his face scrunched up. “As in the cereal?"

Ah, there was his dumb blond again. 

“Ka-ka-shi. Do you remember him? He said that he knew you.”

“ _Kakashi_? Ewww…” Naruto started to laugh. “Don’t tell me you know that old pervert, do you?” 

“Vaguely,” he hedged. Maybe mentioning Kakashi had been a bad idea. He didn’t want to scare Naruto off, but he hadn’t wanted to leave the room yet either. Still, implying any sort of family connection to Kakashi probably would scare off any sort of reasonably sane person. “We just happened to bump into each other. My cousin knows him,” he temporized. Once again, not really a lie.

“Oh, man,” Naruto said, still laughing. “I haven’t talked to him in years! What’s he been up to?”

Even though they were talking about Kakashi, at least Naruto had settled back down and wasn’t getting ready to hurry off for a change. And after all the exposure, Naruto’s naked chest wasn’t even affecting him anymore. Too much. Okay, maybe a little. He liked the way it moved as Naruto laughed, the muscles flexing, rippling gently as he shifted, the nipples hard from the cool air, the goose bumps pebbling along the skin at a particular gust of the air conditioner—

“Er, Sasuke?”

“It’s the drugs,” he blurted out, wrenching his eyes up. “They make me a little distracted at times.”

Sane Sasuke buried his head in his hands.

“O—kay.” 

Fuck. He wanted to bang his head against the wall. The look on Naruto's face... Why wouldn't the damn man put on some clothes, for heaven's sake! How was he supposed to _think_ when Naruto was prancing around half naked? Right in front of him! His hair lightly tousled, and his skin still a little flushed and glowing from the workout, his—

 _Sasuke!_ Sane Sasuke snarled.

Damn it!

He groaned, covering his eyes with his hand.

“Sasuke? Oh man. Do you want to lie down? Let me help you—”

Sasuke could just envision Naruto putting his strong arms around him, lowering him to the sofa, their bodies pressed together, chests heaving—

He nearly slammed himself into the back of the sofa. “No! No, a, another dizzy spell, but-but-but I prefer to sit up.” He glanced over at Naruto who was blinking at him. “Thank you,” he added belatedly. 

_Hey, why did you stop? I was really enjoying that last daydream_ , Stupid Sasuke pouted. 

“Oh. Well, do you…you look really flushed, and you’re breathing is fast. Do you want to put your head between your legs?”

Naruto was _killing_ him. The images that popped into his head with that last comment… 

He was just killing him.

“No,” he said slowly, closing his eyes. “I don’t want to put my head between _my_ legs.” His eyebrow twitched. Fuck. He hadn’t meant to emphasize the “my.” Freudian slip there. He absolutely refused to open his eyes and see Naruto’s expression. Maybe Naruto hadn’t noticed?

“Oh.” Naruto coughed, his voice slightly bewildered. 

Then again, maybe he had. 

“Um, maybe I should go get Sakura. She’s probably worried about you, and I should finish class—”

_Whoohoo! Score! Now’s the perfect opportunity to tell him—_

_I know! Shut up already!_

“Tch. You don’t need to get Sakura. She’s probably already left by now anyway. She was planning on meeting someone this morning, I think” There. Nice and casual. If Naruto were interested, he’d ask about it. “I’m feeling much better now—” 

_Don’t make the same mistake, you fool!_ Sane Sasuke hissed.

“—and I’m sure if you would just keep me company for a few more minutes, I’ll be ready to go back momentarily.” 

“Well, yeah, of course I’ll stay with you until you feel better,” Naruto said, almost indignantly, and Sasuke couldn’t stop the small burst of warmth. “But I doubt Sakura has left yet. She doesn’t seem the type of girl to leave her boyfriend high and dry when he—”

Ah ha! Naruto had noticed…although he seemed more interested in Sakura’s part of it than in Sasuke. Still, a step forward was a step forward.

“We’re not dating, Naruto.” Stupid Sasuke pouted when he said it, since it could apply to him and Naruto. “She and I are just friends.”

“Oh.” Naruto looked nonplussed. “But I thought—” 

“We’ve been friends for years, and some people say we _act_ like an old married couple, but that’s all.” This was it. He would admit to being gay and Naruto would fall on him like white on rice. In theory anyway. He took a deep breath. “She and I would never work out considering—” 

“You nearly fainted again!” Damn that word! “A good friend would _never_ leave you alone after something like that! I’m sure she—”

They both turned their heads at the knock on the door.

“Sasuke? Hey, class is over, and I was worried when you two hadn’t come out—” 

He was going to _kill_ Sakura.

Naruto shot him a triumphant look as if to say, _See? I told you a friend wouldn’t just leave._

“I’m fine,” he gritted out between clenched teeth. He could _feel_ enamel being crushed to dust when she shrugged, the look in her eyes going from concerned to amused in a flash, and she grinned back at him unabashedly, knowing she was safe from his wrath while Naruto was in the room. “We were just getting ready to head back.”

“Do you want me to check you—”

That was it! Even though she had introduced Naruto to him, she was now on his List. Right under Kakashi.

“No.”

“Well, alright. As long as you’re sure—”

“Leave.” He noticed the way Naruto was starting to furrow his eyebrows, and he hastily said, “I don’t want to make you late for your appointment.” After a minute, he decided it would be prudent to add, “Thanks anyway.” The words were awkward and stilted, but at least he'd gotten them out.

“Yeeeeess,” she drawled. “My appointment. Good point. Okay, then I’ll talk to you later, Sasuke.” The way she eyed him made it very clear they would be talking soon. “Thanks for a good class, Naruto! See you next week!”

“Bye, Sakura!” Naruto called, smiling broadly.

“Bye,” Sasuke muttered.

Fuck. The moment had been ruined. How was he supposed to bring up his sexual preferences now without seeming like a complete idiot? _And_ he’d said he was feeling well enough that they could both leave. He nearly snarled as he started to get up, but his black mood completely vanished when Naruto put his hand on his arm, keeping him on the sofa.

“Hey, Sasuke,” Naruto murmured, leaning in. 

“Yes?” Sasuke asked, his heart rate starting to speed up at the look of soft hesitancy on the other man’s face.

 _Oh shit, he’s going to ask us out! He’s going to ask us out!_ Stupid Sasuke squealed, clapping his hands excitedly.

“So you and Sakura… You two really aren’t dating?”

“No,” Sasuke breathed, his eyes getting wide. “We’re just friends. I’m—”

Sane Sasuke stared at Naruto. Then he started to curse.

“So then, you won’t mind if I ask her out?”

Stupid Sasuke fainted.


	6. Chapter 6

"You...want to ask Sakura out?"

Earnest blue eyes gazed innocently back at him.

"Yeah, if that's okay with you? I mean, you said you two weren't dating—”

"I'm not. We’re not." Sasuke's hands were clenched together, hiding the telling tremor in white knuckles. The room was darkening in the corners, shadows accumulating and creeping along the walls. 

Naruto. Wanted. To. Ask. _Sakura_. Out.

"Err..." Naruto rubbed the back of his neck. "So, then...do you mind if I—”

It was the completely clueless expression that finally broke him, the utter incomprehension that said more clearly than words that he had no idea why Sasuke was freaking out.

 _Sasuke_ , Sane Sasuke said firmly, warningly. _You need to calm down..._

"Do I mind? _Do I mind?_ Yes, I mind!" Sasuke grabbed Naruto's shirt, pulling the other man close so abruptly that he squeaked and had to put one hand on Sasuke's arm and the other on the cushion next to his thigh. The position was eminently satisfying, but the puzzled, slightly scared wide eyes looking back at him were not. 

_Oooh, I love it when we're forceful!_ Stupid Sasuke interjected from his position on the ground where he'd fainted.

Okay. Maybe those eyes were satisfying just a little bit.

"I _mind_ that the man I've been pursuing – the man I _joined_ this asinine aerobics class for in the first place – is so completely _oblivious_ to the fact that I'm gay and attracted to him that he asks me – asks _me_ – if he can go out with my best friend."

Naruto's eyes got impossibly larger, and a faint flush started brightening his cheeks. His eyes darted away for a second before resting once again on Sasuke's.

"I mind that instead of plotting how he can get into my incredibly tight pants – how do you _wear_ these things all day? – he fantasizes about bouncing breasts!" The expression on Sasuke's face made it painfully obvious how he felt on _that_ subject. "I mind that every time I'm around this man, my vocabulary is reduced to that of a Neanderthal, I develop a stutter, blush like a virgin on her wedding night, and He. Doesn't. Even. Notice!"

 _Yeah! You go girl!_ Stupid Sasuke cheered.

 _Shut up!_ Sane Sasuke snarled.

Sasuke couldn't resist shaking him just the tiniest bit and then pulling him closer so Naruto's eyes almost crossed, so he could feel his quickened breath across his face, so he could feel the excruciating trembling in his hand and body.

"Why, Naruto, why?" he asked, his voice low and gravelly, almost hopeless, his eyes searching. "How can you not be gay? You teach aerobics! You have to be bisexual, at the very least!"

"I—” Naruto swallowed. "I _am_ bisexual." The hand wrapped around his arm tightened. "I-I just didn't know _you_ were. Er, gay, that is."

Two sets of jaws touched the ground. 

_Hot damn..._

"And now that you know?" Sasuke whispered, his heart beating like mad, pounding against his chest until he thought it would explode. 

"Sasuke," Naruto breathed.

He couldn't resist any longer, couldn't stop his body from reacting on its own to lean forward those last few inches and claim Naruto's mouth, to pull him close with both hands into the heat of his chest until Naruto was sprawled across his body, until they were only separated by the thinnest, tightest clothes that left no doubt just how bisexual Naruto really was.

He thought he heard Stupid Sasuke orgasming in the background when Naruto's erection finally lay on top of his own, but he wasn't entirely certain, nor did he care. All of his attention was focused on the delicious, heavy weight on top of him, on kneading the toned muscles under his hands, on hearing the breathless sounds that escaped Naruto's swollen lips.

Sasuke had thought there was nothing more perfect on earth than Naruto's sparkling penis, but when he turned them over so Naruto was on his back, those blue eyes clouded with lust, his hands clutching Sasuke's body close, and pulled down Naruto's restricting shorts, he knew he'd been wrong. 

Naruto's hard, dazzling erection nearly blinded him with its glamour. 

And when Sasuke wrapped his hand around it, felt his hot cock with his bare skin, felt the way it pulsed and jumped with ardent desire, Sane Sasuke's moans of completion joined Stupid Sasuke's, and it was all he could do not to join them.

"Ah! S-Sasuke!"

Sasuke wiped the drool off his chin, glaring at the top of the bar. That's the way it _should_ have happened, he thought morosely, staring into the bottom of his shot glass.

It should have.

But it hadn't.

\-----

“What? No—” 

“Thanks, man,” Naruto said, clapping him on the back. 

As in “no, don’t do it,” not “no, I don’t mind,” you complete and utter imbecile. Why are all the pretty ones idiots? Sasuke despaired internally.

“You’re the best! You sure you don’t mind?”

“I—”

“Naruto,” Shikamaru said, leaning his torso into the room, somehow managing to make even that movement indolent, “The boss needs to see you.” 

“What? Really?” Naruto stood up and took a step towards the door. “But…can it wait? Sasuke needs me.”

The small part of Sasuke that wasn’t immobilized by shock melted at the words into a puddle of fluffy goo.

“She said right away, and you know how she gets.”

Naruto looked back at Sasuke, visibly torn. 

He could have decided to give Naruto an easy out and told him he was feeling a lot better. 

But he didn’t.

As a matter of fact, with the full impact of Naruto’s words finally registering through the buzzing in his head, Sasuke felt much worse. It was all too much to comprehend. Naruto wanted to ask _Sakura_ out?

“I should really stay—”

“How troublesome,” Shikamaru sighed, finally going to the effort of stepping all the way into the room. “I’ll stay with him until he feels better.”

“But…I mean, would that be okay, Sasuke? ‘Cause I can stay longer if you want. The old hag isn’t _that_ scary—”

“She accidentally broke her sake bottle this morning, and she’s in a bad mood.”

“Oh shit! I’m going, I’m going! Thanks, Shika!” Naruto said, scrambling to his desk and pulling out a spare gym shirt from his bag on the floor, scattering assorted items on the floor in the process. 

Sasuke was too out of it to even bemoan the loss. 

“Er…” Naruto paused as he was stuffing things back inside his bag. “Don’t you have to man the front desk, Shika?”

Shikamaru shrugged, unconcerned, and slouched down into the chair Naruto had vacated.

Naruto blinked. “Okay then. Hope you feel better, Sasuke. See you next time!”

And with that, he was gone.

Sasuke stared after him with forlorn regret searing his insides raw. How could his life have been turned upside down so completely in just a few minutes?

“I have to say, you’re doing much better than I thought you would,” Shikamaru murmured contemplatively.

Sasuke turned to look at him, but the other man’s face was turned up to the ceiling, as if the fluorescent lights held an indecipherable secret to the universe. “What do you mean?” he asked, his voice dry and hoarse. 

“You don’t think you’re the first person to try this kind of stunt, do you?” Shikamaru responded dryly, his gaze flitting to rest on Sasuke.

His eyebrows shot up in surprise, hope beating a faint rhythm in his chest. “I’m not? What happened with the others?”

“Hmmm,” Shikamaru hummed before settling down further, crossing his arms over chest, and closing his eyes.

Sasuke sat on the couch for a while longer, wondering if he were going to say anything else and barely controlling himself from shaking the man to get his answers. Violence probably wouldn’t be the best way to ingratiate himself, considering Shikamaru had something he wanted, and he was friends with Naruto. 

He finally got up and left, however, when he heard the soft snoring. Directionless, he wandered aimlessly around the gym before finally shuffling lackadaisically into the locker room, milling between the metal lined walls like a ship torn from its moors.

His life was over before it had even begun. 

\-----

And so, here he was, back at his favorite bar, drinking his cares away.

Stupid Sasuke was singing a sloppy rendition of “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor, which was at least preferable to all the weeping and wailing to which Sasuke had been subjected to after he’d finally regained consciousness.

Sane Sasuke, as was his wont, was sulking in the corner.

Not that it mattered.

Not that _any_ of it mattered. Naruto was going to ask Sakura out.

Sasuke drained his glass, keeping it in place to make sure every last drop had fallen into his open mouth. He finally slammed it back on the bar and followed it down with his forehead until he rested his head on his arm.

The sad thing was that he wasn’t even drunk. That had been his first shot. He was too depressed to drink. 

He opened his eyes, staring blurrily as his phone rang. Some people used customized ring tones, like warnings, “oh no, the boss is calling.” Sasuke hardly condoned that sort of infantile behavior. Anyone who had his number was someone important. And he didn’t hide from anyone. Thus, he didn’t even bother to look at the screen to see who was calling him. 

“Uchiha.”

He reconsidered his stance once he answered the phone and heard Sakura’s over-excited voice on the other end. “Sasuke! Guess what happened!”

He hung up, nearly breaking his phone in the process. 

He didn't need to guess. He already knew. And the last thing he wanted to hear about was how his _former_ best friend was going to go on a date with _the love of his life._

The person who’d said that friends should come before lovers had obviously never met Naruto.

 _That’s right! Ho’s before bro’s!_ Stupid Sasuke yelled approvingly. _Stupid, backstabbing, heartless…_

Sasuke ignored him. Yes, if he had to pick a ringtone for Sakura, it would be something like “Wish You the Worst” by Katy Perry, or maybe “Gives You Hell” by All American Rejects, or maybe...

He savagely pressed “Ignore” when the phone rang again. He had no desire to hear her gloat. It would be bad enough in the future when he had to see them together, see that cotton candy hair pressed close to those sun-tinted locks, see her look adoringly up at Naruto as he flashed that breathtakingly gorgeous smile of his. 

They’d probably invite him over for dinner, and he’d be forced to sit and witness their perfect lives in their perfect house – with the obligatory white picket fence – and their perfect 2.3 children. 

Oh, fuck, _children_! Even Sane Sasuke whimpered at the thought of it. Clear and concrete proof that they’d actually had sex, that they weren’t just living in platonic bliss, that they—

He was so caught up in his nightmare that he looked down at the screen when it beeped at him without thinking about it.

_Stop hanging up on me!_

Che.

Sane Sasuke flipped her the bird from his corner of solitude.

_Naruto called me!_

He really needed to stop looking at his phone, but he admitted to a certain morbid curiosity about what she was going to say. It would just drive the knife in further. He was masochistic at heart. He didn’t even care that she was writing out all the words instead of using text-speak, out of respect for the fact that he didn’t know what the acronyms stood for, as he rarely texted. Usually she used that ridiculous gibberish just to show him how archaic he was…

Argh! Her thoughtfulness didn’t matter! Their friendship was over!

Stupid Sasuke mimed being knifed in the chest by her treachery and performed the world’s most overacted, melodramatic death scene to ever to take place, complete with staggering, body twitching, and several jerky almost-reanimations.

_I told him no!_

His eyes widened, and he barely resisted the urge to shake the phone in his hand. What was she _thinking_? Was she _insane_? How could she tell Naruto ‘ _no_ ’? _Why_ would she?

Stupid Sasuke stopped mid-death throe and stood up, and even Sane Sasuke lifted up his head to look. 

_I know how much you like him._

Ehhhhhhhhh…alright. Maybe her ringtone wouldn’t become “Know Your Enemy” by Green Day after all.

Stupid Sasuke scuffed his foot against the ground, emitting just the slightest guilty vibe.

_I told him you were interested in him instead._

The phone fell from slack fingers, and Sasuke stared wide-eyed as it flipped over and over before it fell on the floor and broke, just barely able to catch the last incoming message before the screen went black.

_Call me._


	7. Chapter 7

It was another dream. Sasuke just knew it. 

How else could he explain why he was sitting in bed on top of crimson silk sheets, completely naked, bound by red velvet ropes to the headboard, with equally red feathers floating all around him? 

This was…different.

However, intellectual considerations about his surroundings and possible dreaming status became impossible. Naruto was leaning over him, an incredibly wicked and _predatory_ smile on his face, too tempting for words.

Then again, maybe this wasn’t so different after all.

“Naruto?” he asked, just to test out how dreamlike this particular scenario actually was.

“Sa-su-ke?” Naruto asked back huskily, his voice teasing.

“What are you doing?” He was calm; he was intelligible; he was coherent. 

Amazing. 

Naruto’s fingers skimmed over Sasuke’s taut abs. 

Sasuke inhaled sharply at the unexpected sensation. Were dreams supposed to feel this _real_?

“What do you _think_ I’m doing?” Naruto asked playfully, 

“Er…” It took a second for him to collect his thoughts. What Naruto was doing with his fingertips was _very_ distracting. “You’re not here to do aerobics, are you?” he asked tentatively, remembering the last time Naruto had invaded his dream so realistically. 

_Please say no, please say no, please say no…_

He was ashamed to admit he couldn’t even blame Stupid Sasuke for that thought, since once again, Sane and Stupid Sasuke were conspicuously and wonderfully absent. 

Naruto chuckled, his eyes scrunched up in almost childish fashion, the barest hint of a dimple in his left cheek. He’d never noticed the dimple before.

Sasuke sighed happily. _Hmmm…_

“No,” Naruto purred. “No aerobics this time, lover.”

“L-l-l-l—” he attempted to clarify, doubting the accuracy of his hearing. 

And he’d been doing so well at being rational this time around, too. 

He didn’t have the luxury to lament that fact before he was distracted once again. 

“Oh, yes. Lover.” 

And Naruto lay his naked body between Sasuke’s legs.

It was a testament to Naruto’s incredibly gorgeous and expressive face that Sasuke hadn’t even noticed he was naked. 

Now that he noticed, however…

He took a moment to appreciate the blinding glory of Naruto’s strong shoulders and ass and muscled back and ass and toned legs and ass and…

Sasuke could almost hear his thoughts flutter from his head, like a frightened bird taking flight, as Naruto took his erection into his mouth.

“Ah!”

It was only the fact that Naruto’s arms were pinning his legs down that kept him from arching completely off the bed, and even then, he almost threw Naruto off of him on accident. 

Surprised eyes looked up at him – not so surprised that Naruto stopped what he doing, thank heavens – before they twinkled with amusement, and that torturously wonderful mouth slid back down.

It was criminally unfair that not only was Naruto the physical incarnation of Michelangelo’s David, he also excelled at giving blow jobs. No, not just excelled. He was amazing…fantastic…incredible …exceedingly proficient…extraordinarily gifted…unbelievingly brilliant…supremely, devastatingly talented…very, very, very good…

“Naruto, Naruto! Oh, Naruto!” he chanted, straining against the velvet ropes, his hips pumping erratically as he got closer and closer.

 _It really is unfair_ , he thought as slick fingers rolled his testicles and then slipped further back.

He came with a gasp, Naruto’s tongue fucking the slit of his cock, his fingers just barely pressing into the wrinkled flesh of his anus.

The ropes were actually really helpful, he decided as he recovered, his eyelashes fluttering, his chest heaving. They were all that were keeping him upright against the headboard at this point, and he leaned into them gratefully as Naruto finally raised his head fully, licking his moistened lips appreciatively.

The sight was enough to make him groan and his cock to twitch valiantly. 

“That was nice,” Naruto murmured, leaning forward to lick a long, slow trail up Sasuke’s bound chest. “As an appetizer anyway. Let’s move on to the next course.”

 _Could he be any more trite?_ he thought with no small amount of irritation. Even in his dream, Naruto was not the brightest crayon, but at least he was the prettiest one in the pack. “Just give me a minute,” Sasuke said, his heart just slowing down.

“No,” Naruto said, smiling that wicked smile again. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Urg—” Sasuke just managed to gurgle before Naruto kissed him, drowning out his protests.

\--------

“Fuck! Naruto, you’re so—” Sasuke gasped, his back arching as Naruto plunged into him again and again, his thighs quivering against Naruto’s sides as he clenched down, drowning helplessly in mind-numbing pleasure. His arms strained against the velvet ropes, tied above his head now instead of around his torso as Naruto maneuvered him around to suit his whim.

“You’re not too bad yourself,” Naruto panted, sweat glistening along his body as he continued to thrust steadily, in peak physical condition, not even fazed by Sasuke’s orgasm. 

“N-Naruto?” Sasuke’s breath hitched as Naruto’s actions caused his body to react once again even before he recovered from the most recent orgasm.

“Hmm?” Naruto asked, bending down to nuzzle his neck, his movements constant, just like in that damn aerobics class.

“You didn’t – ah – you didn’t c-come?”

“Oh, no, I did.” The deadly dimple flashed again. 

“Then why – nnh – why are you—?” And he’d thought he had a hard time talking when Naruto was just in the same _room_ …

Confused eyes looked down at him. Although his hips _still_ didn’t stop. “What does having an orgasm have to do with anything, Sasuke?”

He blinked, an almost unspeakable thought just starting to form. “Just which – fuck! – which Naruto—” He whimpered at a particularly accurate thrust that had him seeing sparkles, which reminded him of Naruto’s penis, which made him even more conscious of what was currently pounding into him, which made him whimper again. 

“Which Naruto…?” Naruto prompted helpfully, the picture of solicitude. 

“Which Naruto _are_ you?” he gasped in a rush, twisting in ecstasy. 

“Didn’t I tell you?” Naruto grinned winsomely. “I’m Nympho Naruto.”

“ _What_?” 

He came against his will, gritting his teeth and groaning loudly in equal parts horror than pleasure. 

\-----

“I can’t,” Sasuke said flatly, his body one twitching, spastic mess completely covered in dried and drying cum. 

“But Sasuke—” Nympho Naruto begged, his obvious interest sticking out in front of him. 

“Don’t ‘but Sasuke’ me! I can’t even move! I’m finished!”

“But I only came ten times!”

It took too much energy to sneer.

“You just have to lie there. I’ll do all the work…”

He’d gone from being unable to talk in Naruto’s presence and fantasizing over him all day long, to wanting him gone so he could get some sleep. Sleep sounded so good… He shook his head to focus on the task at hand – turning Naruto down.

Who would have thought? 

“My jaw aches, my hands are developing blisters, and I’ll be lucky if I can even walk tomorrow. I’m too sore, and there’s no way I could get hard again anyway. No.”

“Are you sure about that?” Nympho Naruto asked slyly, and he lowered his head and did something with his tongue that amazingly got Sasuke’s poor defenseless body interested again.

He made a low whiny sound in the back of his throat as Nympho Naruto grinned triumphantly.

“Don’t worry, Sasuke,” Nympho Naruto said comfortingly. “You’re too sore. I get it. I would never do anything that hurt you.”

Sasuke’s hopes fluttered, but were killed brutally as Nympho Naruto crawled on top of him. “So we can do it this way until you feel better!”

 _Evil. Naruto is pure evil_ , Sasuke thought despairingly, groaning in agonized satisfaction as Nympho Naruto slid down his cock, one millimeter at a time.

Evil.

\----

“Go bother Stupid Sasuke!” 

For a moment, both men stared at each other, neither quite believing the words that had come out of Sasuke’s mouth.

“Really? I can do that?” Nympho Naruto asked, halting his pursuit. Sasuke had long ago freed himself of his bonds out of sheer animalistic desperation. 

“Yes!” Jealousy had no place at such a time. Besides, Stupid Sasuke, for all that Sasuke wanted to deny it, was still a part of him, so it was alright. 

He ignored the smidgen of guilt. This was survival.

“Well, you are taking longer and longer to recover,” Nympho Naruto said, considering. “And harder and harder to catch. Okay! As long as you don’t mind…”

“I don’t mind! Go!” Sasuke just managed to twitch his cheek away from the kiss Nympho Naruto blew in his direction, before the creature ambled away in search of new prey.

When he was sure he was gone, Sasuke let the bat he was holding drop to the ground, and he used the last dregs of his failing energy to limp back to the bed and collapse gracelessly face first onto it. 

Sasuke quickly drifted into a blissful Naruto-free, sex-free dream, so tired, his body didn’t so much as twitch. It was hours later before he roused just enough to hear Stupid Sasuke squawk, “No means no!” as he ran across the room, Nympho Naruto hot on his trail. 

With a wry snort of amusement and a fleeting thought of, _serves you right,_ he settled back into oblivion. 

When he woke for the final time, he was lying in his own bed, lethargic and possibly dehydrated as well, his sheets positively crispy from dried come.

 _I can’t believe you just threw me to the wolves,_ Stupid Sasuke muttered from where he was collapsed on the ground.

 _What about you?_ Sane Sasuke grumbled from his own boneless sprawl. _You locked yourself away and left me alone with him!_

 _He was real?_ Sasuke asked, his eyes getting impossibly wide. He pulled his blankets up to his chin in a futile bid for protection.

Just then Nympho Naruto flung the door of his bedroom wide open, leering and ready for action.

All three Sasuke screamed.

Sasuke bolted upright, almost falling off the bed as he scrambled away, his breath coming in frantic, frightened pants. 

_It was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream…_

He finally slumped back down as he realized Naruto really wasn’t anywhere in the room with him. He jerked as the motion caused a sudden, sharp twinge in his groin, and he looked down in dawning horror at the dried evidence of his nocturnal emissions.

Wasn't it?


	8. Chapter 8

_What the hell did you do?_ Stupid Sasuke shrieked, nearly hopping from foot to foot as he stared at the broken phone. 

Sasuke couldn’t answer, too stricken to speak.

_It’s like you don’t want us to be happy, always sabotaging our chances—_

_Find the nearest pay phone, you fool!_ Sane Sasuke barked.

Sasuke flinched in surprise before collecting his scattered wits. He leaned down to grab the ruined remains of his cell phone and shoved them into his pocket, swerving around a waitress as he headed toward the lone public phone. He fumbled the receiver, almost dropping it, before finally managing to set it against his ear a little too enthusiastically. Disregarding the slight throbbing, he slipped his hand into his pocket for change—

Nothing.

“Damn it!” This is what he got for always using credit cards.

He made his way back to the bar, narrowly avoiding the same waitress on her own way back, and slapped a five onto the counter.

“I need change!”

The bartender looked up in surprise from polishing a glass at the abrupt tone. “Sure thing. Five ones or—”

“Quarters! Give me quarters!”

 _At least_ try _to use words with more than two syllables_ , Sane Sasuke said dryly, but Stupid Sasuke growled at him.

_Don’t listen to him! Go, go, go, go, go!_

“Sorry, but it looks like I only have six quarters right now. Do you want—”

Sasuke pounced. “Give them to me!” He rushed back to the phone, ignoring the bartender’s, “You forgot the rest of your change!” and slipped two quarters into the coin slot, tapping his fingers impatiently against the metal backing as he waited for them to go down. 

Finally! He raised his hand to dial Sakura’s cell—

“What the _hell_ is Sakura’s phone number?” 

Two identical faces looked back at him blankly. They turned to each other, saw the same ignorance mirrored in the other’s face and faced him once again. 

“Fuck!”

This was why he stored information in his phone in the first place, so he didn’t have to memorize hundreds of personal and work-related numbers. Of all the times to… His jaw clenched, and he looked around for a phonebook but found none.

Another trip to the bar. He snarled at the same, damn waitress who kept getting in his fucking way and strode past her, paying no heed to the crash of glass behind him. The bartender looked up at the noise, frowning when he saw Sasuke.

“I suppose you came back for your change,” he began regretfully, but Sasuke interrupted him.

“Where’s your phonebook?” he demanded.

“Oh, are you trying to find a phone number?”

It was with a huge force of will that Sasuke overlooked the idiocy of that question.

“Sorry, but we had to throw it out. Funny story, that. We had a customer come in the other day, and he got plastered. I mean totally wasted. He was such a lightweight that—” 

“Does it _look_ like I’m interested in your inane babble?” he asked, his hands curling into fists on the counter. 

The bartender’s mouth snapped closed.

“I need a phonebook _right now_!”

“I’m sorry, but we—”

“I don’t want your apologies!” Sasuke slammed his fist onto the bar.

 _Er, Sasuke_ , Sane Sasuke began, but he paid him no heed.

“What I _want_ is a damn phonebook, and if you don’t produce one within the next two minutes, I’ll—”

“Sir, please calm down—” 

“—and then I’ll tear your—”

“Joe.” 

It was just a name. One word. Three letters. But Sasuke could _feel_ the looming presence behind him, and he stopped mid-rant, head tilting back.

A minute later, he staggered outside the bar door, the wind hitting his face, bringing cold and sanity with it.

Pity. That had been his favorite bar, too.

 _You know, you could have called Information_ , Sane Sasuke began. 

“Shut up!”

\-----------

Sakura rushed to the front door, in response to the loud, frantic banging. Her neighbors knew she was a surgeon, and it had to be one of them in dire need of her help.

When she flung open the door, she stared in dumbfounded amazement at Sasuke, panting as if he’d just run a marathon.

“Sa-Sasuke?” she gasped. “What’s wrong? Are you alright—”

“Alright?” he asked incredulously, his hands on his knees as he struggled to regain his breath. “How – _cough_ – do you expect me – _pant, pant_ – to be alright when you’ve – argh! Get me a damn glass of water or something!” he demanded, glaring at her as he coughed and hacked.

She rolled her eyes, opening the door wider to let him in. “Oh yeah, you’re alright,” she said. She led the way back to her kitchen and retrieved a bottle of water from her refrigerator.

Sasuke guzzle it down, almost choking again in his greedy frenzy before slamming the mostly empty bottle down on her counter. 

“Is this about Naruto?” she asked innocently, the tone of her voice at odds with the sly twinkle in her eyes.

 _Do not make me bitch slap your punk ass!_ Stupid Sasuke yelled, shaking his fist at her from where he’d collapsed on the ground as he recovered. Stupid Sasuke lacked the physical rigor of Sane Sasuke, who was fanning himself languidly in a disdainful show of nonchalance. “Sakura,” Sasuke threatened, magnificently ignoring the mutinous voice in his head, no matter how much he agreed with the sentiment.

“Well,” she drawled, examining her cuticles critically, “when you didn’t respond to any of my texts, I just assumed you weren’t interested…”

“My phone broke,” he snapped, studiously avoiding an explanation about how he’d dropped it in his shock, absolutely flabbergasted by the turn of events.

 _You don’t see that word very frequently anymore_ , Sane Sasuke mused. _Flabbergasted, I mean._

Sasuke and Stupid Sasuke stared at him.

_What? I’m just saying—_

_Have you forgotten why we are here?_ Stupid Sasuke asked, outraged by his non sequitur.

 _Of course not!_ Sane Sasuke responded, affronted by the very idea. _But can’t a man enjoy the beauty of words as well as the beauty of form—_

 _Will you two shut the fuck up?_ Sasuke demanded. 

“—screen break? Did you try taking out the battery and popping it back in?”

Sasuke glared at her, not answering, but internally, he was grateful for the flush in his face, because it saved him from having to explain why his cheeks were burning so hotly all the sudden. He vaguely remembered picking up the phone battery as he ran for the pay phone. Vaguely.

_Don’t tell me that we could have saved ourselves all of that—_

_I said shut the fuck up!_ Sasuke yelled. Stupid squatters! Didn’t he get to keep even one secret to himself? _I can’t hear Sakura!_

“—would think you would have called from a pay phone or something! I mean, it’s been almost forty minutes since I called. I thought you would be more, I don’t know, eager or something.”

She was an evil, evil woman.

_Sasuke raced to the taxi stand closest to the bar and got to the hospital within seven minutes instead of the normal fifteen by promising the cab driver a double fare, only to find out Sakura wouldn’t be coming in for another hour._

_“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”_

_It was only the fact that the hospital staff knew him that kept them from calling Security when he accidentally-on purpose sent dozens of clipboards flying. He did, however, owe them a new box of clipboards._

_Another taxi ride. Rush hour traffic made the normal ten minute drive to Sakura’s house stretch to fifteen, then twenty, with Sasuke bouncing in his seat all the while. When they got stuck behind a traffic accident, it took all of Sasuke’s willpower to not have a “Hulk smash!” moment and careen through the cars in front of him. Throwing money at the cab driver, he sprinted the last mile – mostly uphill – to Sakura’s house._

Which was how he’d arrived at her doorstep, panting and sweating in his eight hundred dollar suit, and was now walking the gauntlet that was her idea of witty repartee. And she said he wasn’t _eager_ enough.

“Sakura, I have had a very difficult day, beginning this morning when Naruto requested the privilege of courting you as if I were your fucking _father_ and most recently ending in a mile-long sprint up the damned mountain you live on, and all I fucking want to know is what the fuck did Naruto say?”

Stunned silence. Even the voices in his head were quiet.

“Well, if you’re going to be all grumpy about it—”

“Sakura!”

“Geez. You know, you’re taking all the fun out of it,” she complained. She sat down on a bar stool and drummed her fingers on the countertop. “If you had just talked to me when I called instead of hanging up on me – alright, alright! You don’t have to go all psycho on me!”

He didn’t dignify that statement with a comment. Stupid Sasuke on the other hand…

“So, Naruto called me about an hour ago. He was,” her eyes went a little dreamy, “very cute and funny and really easy to talk to. If I didn’t love you as much as I do, I would have snapped him up!” she said, pointing at Sasuke and squinting balefully.

 _You keep your filthy claws off him—_ Sane Sasuke stuffed a gag into Stupid Sasuke’s mouth and sat on him.

She smiled ruefully, resting her head on one hand as she looked at him. “But I’ve never seen you this interested in someone before, Sasuke. You’ve been so animated recently! Like a completely different person—”

Or like two different people. Or three.

“—and I think Naruto is really good for you! Or he will be. Once you guys start sleeping together. Maybe you’ll finally let go some of that tension you carry around with you all the time.”

He arched an eyebrow at her, before huffing and pulling out the stool next to her to sit down as well. Ah, blessed relief. He’d never fully appreciated how wonderful sitting could be. “For a straight woman, you are obsessed with gay men having sex.”

She grinned, unrepentant. “You may be gay, but Naruto is bi. You never know. Maybe one day he’ll want a threesome! Kidding! Kidding! Just kidding. Mostly.”

“Sakura…”

“Seriously,” she said, rolling her eyes. “No fun. Fine. So, here’s the deal! You have a date with Naruto tomorrow night!”

“ _What—_ ”

“Since tomorrow’s Wednesday, I told him you would want Japanese.” She pointed a finger at him. “I know what a stickler you are for eating a particular food on a particular day. Anyway, he’s going to pick you up at your place at seven.” 

“He’s—”

“I know, I know, you don’t like it when guys ‘pick you up,’ but Naruto says he knows this great little restaurant, and he wasn’t sure you’d be able to find it by yourself. He said it was kind of confusing to get to. I think it works out in our favor anyway, because that way he’ll feel obligated to drop you off, and then you can avoid the whole ‘should I ask him up/should I not ask him up’ question, because he’ll already be up!” she said brightly. “Oooooh, maybe in more ways than one!” Sakura finished with a lascivious waggle of her eyebrows.

“The—”

“You absolutely need to wear that black cashmere sweater of yours. Very sexy. With some tight jeans that show off your ass. I didn’t get the impression the restaurant was very formal, so slacks would be overkill. Oh, and definitely that jacket that you wore to—” She glanced at her cell phone in the corner when it buzzed. “Oops. That’s my alarm. I have to head to the hospital.”

“But—”

“I just have a consult,” she said, hopping off the stool and gathering her things. “I’m supposed to have tonight off, but they couldn’t make it during the day, and it’s a family member of one of the nurses, so yeah, anyway, long story short, I’ll be back in an hour and a half, two hours max. Make yourself at home; you know where everything is. And when I get back, we can finish talking about your date. I’m so excited! Aren’t you excited?” She grinned and waved, the door slamming closed behind her.

“But, but what did he _say_?” Sasuke finally asked, his question loud in the empty room. 

The only two people who were around to answer were of no help, as shocked as he. 

_What the hell just happened here?_ Sane Sasuke asked at long last. _I feel like an eighteen-wheeler ran us over, backed up for good measure, ran over us again, dumped its contents on us, and then zoomed away, the driver cackling madly all the while._

 _It’s because you wouldn’t let me say anything!_ Stupid Sasuke moaned, finally pulling the gag free and dumping Sane Sasuke unceremoniously on the ground as he got up. _Of the three of us,_ I’m _the talker, and I would have—_

“You two are ignoring the obvious,” Sasuke said quietly, euphoria blooming in his chest. It was almost impossible to get his mind around the idea, but for all of her faults – and she had many, the sadistic, conniving she-devil – Sakura would never lie about something like this. “We have a date with Naruto.”

The silence was complete, and for a blissful second, Sasuke closed his eyes, wondering if this was how it would feel when he was whole once again, all of them in accord and only peace within his mind. Combined with the knowledge of his date, he spent an endless moment in nirvana.

But then Stupid Sasuke launched into tears. _I’m just – just so_ happy _!_ he wailed, throwing his arms around Sane Sasuke, his shoulders shaking with the force of his weeping. Sane Sasuke patted him awkwardly on the back, smiling for the first time since he’d appeared over a week before. Even Sasuke felt his lips twitch as joy rushed through him. After all his suffering, after the aerobics class – after _Kakashi_ – after all his humiliation, he was finally going to go on a date with Naruto.

Stupid Sasuke whooped and began to race around, doing cartwheels and back flips through his head. _We’re going to get some! We’re going to get some!_ he singsonged. 

Sasuke frowned. Yes, after all the lengths he’d gone to, after all the money he’d spent, after apparently splintering his consciousness, he was going to go on a date. 

A date.

Was it really worth it?

Stupid Sasuke stopped his antics, and rolling his eyes, he replayed the image of Naruto taking off his shirt. In slow motion. And in the backdrop, little starbursts of sparkly penises accompanied him.

Silly question. Moving on.

Happy that Sasuke’s moment of self-doubt had passed, Stupid Sasuke started to dance to the porn music in the background, picking up his chant of, _We’re going to get some!_ Frighteningly enough, Sane Sasuke joined him.

Was he going to get some? Sasuke blinked, and his cheeks, which had finally gone back to their normal color after recovering from the run, began to flush once again. What would that be like? Sure, he’d had a dream or two. 

_Or ten or twenty_ , Sane Sasuke pointed out, oh so helpfully. 

But faced with the possibility of fantasy becoming reality, he wondered just how far Naruto would be willing to go on the first date. Kiss? Definitely. Light petting? Most likely. Heavy groping? He swallowed, his eyes dilating. Intercourse? It was a good thing Sasuke was sitting, because he didn’t know if his knees would have held him. He looked down with weary resignation at the tent his pants. 

Of course, he wanted to get to know Naruto better, see what they had in common, if they could have something more than just a handful of dates before going their separate ways, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda, but as far as the immediate future went, as far as his hormones went, Sasuke wanted to get naked and dirty in bed with him. Or on any reasonably flat surface. He wasn’t picky.

 _Me so horny_ , Stupid Sasuke said, rolling around on the ground. _Me love you long time._

Wow. If he hadn’t been lusting after Naruto for so long, that would have killed it right there.

Sasuke glanced at the kitchen clock. Just how long had Sakura been gone? Hadn’t it already been an hour – shit, only fifteen minutes had passed.

He scowled, willed his erection down. When that didn’t accomplish anything, he took a long drink of water, then got up and began to pace. That was distinctly uncomfortable, so he sat gingerly down on her couch and turned on the television.

“Will you turn that off?” he demanded at last, jabbing a mental finger at the teasing strip show. 

Stupid Sasuke pouted but complied.

Well, that was better. It was just a matter of time now before he was back to normal. Er, or at least, no longer hard.

Ten minutes later, the erection had gone down some, but the feeling behind it was still as strong as ever.

Fucking hell.

He shut off the television, not knowing or caring what he’d been watching. 

Fuck it. There was only one thing to do. 

He checked the clock once again. He had plenty of time to do it and clean up afterward.

Sane Sasuke gasped. _You can’t be thinking—_

“Shut up.”

Sasuke went to the refrigerator. When he was aroused like this with no lover around to depend on, he had but one recourse. If he'd been in his own apartment, he might have tried out some of the items Kakashi had forced him to buy, no matter how horrifying the thought, but since he was at Sakura's, he had to improvise. 

He was actually slightly ashamed that he had to resort to these measures, but…

 _Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do_ , Stupid Sasuke said solemnly.

He opened the refrigerator door and pulled the crisper drawer out. 

Ah…

He stood back up, closing the drawer and refrigerator, the largest, juiciest cucumber he could find in his hand.

Several minutes later, Sasuke shifted on the couch, his eyes fluttering closed. 

That was – damn, that was…

He groaned, feeling full and satisfied. Closing his eyes, he licked his lips and took a deep breath. It was perfect.

There was just nothing like eating a good cucumber and tomato salad to make him feel better about life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it. That's all she wrote.


End file.
